An Unquenched Thirst
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9, 2002
I'm engaged to a wonderful, warm and loving man whom I've been with for four years. We have always had mismatched libido. I would prefer to have sex nearly every day, but he would choose once a week or less.
Early in our relationship we fought about this issue. He let me see that if I asked for sex much more than he wanted, he felt diminished as a man. So I've adjusted by limiting myself to only rarely initiating sex. He's adjusted in offering me more verbal and nonsexual physical affection each day.
Lately I'm worrying this issue will spell disaster down the road. Even as I've accustomed myself to having infrequent sex, there has been no adjustment to my libido. I find myself daily fantasizing and writing explicit stories (starring him).
I don't hide these things from him, but I mostly keep quiet about them because I fear he feels my sexuality strange. Is this type of problem a deal-breaker when it comes to marriage?
Georgiana, you are talking about making permanent something which isn't adequate or acceptable now. It doesn't matter that you have a history with him or that you have a certain amount of feeling for each other. You both made a concerted effort to come to a mutually satisfying outcome, and it's not working.
The next step, marriage, should occur when a relationship is so fulfilling now that marriage will only enhance and deepen it. Glossing over issues puts off the day of reckoning, and wishes don't change reality. If you don't deal with reality now, reality will deal with you later.
At the end of Hemingway's novel "The Sun Also Rises," a woman laments what might have been. "We could have had such a damn good time together," she says. If things had been right. But they weren't.
My boyfriend is in the middle of a divorce which will be final next month. He was married 20 years, with no children.
We have a very solid relationship. In fact, it is the best relationship I ever had with a man. My boyfriend wants to remain friendly with his ex-wife, but not the kind of friend you hang out with. He says he has no intention of getting back together with her, nor she with him.
Two months ago, his father was hospitalized. My boyfriend often picked up his wife to visit his dad in the hospital. His ex-wife was like a daughter to him. When his father died three days ago, I was the first person my boyfriend called. Since I am a writer by profession, he asked if I would write the eulogy for the family-only memorial service.
Over breakfast I met his mom and "interviewed" her about her husband. I loved meeting her, and she opened up to me. I wrote the eulogy later in the afternoon. My boyfriend read it and cried. He said it was perfect.
I wasn't invited to the memorial, but his soon-to-be ex was there along with members of the immediate family. His wife is still very close to his mother. I want her to get lost. How can I keep her from hanging around in the future?
Naomi, people come not only with a personality, but with a whole set of past relationships. Your boyfriend's wife had a long relationship with his parents.
You are not grieving for his father, she is, and he is still married to her. That doesn't put you in the front seat yet; it means you are still in the back seat.
The writing of the eulogy was something you did out of love for your boyfriend. It was not a ticket to the funeral. Don't try to evict his wife before her lease is up, and realize that some of her relationships, and his, will endure into the future.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
To Thine Own Self
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 6, 2004
Lessons Learned Hard
Many of us seek consolation in the words of Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way." I say many of us because I feel this trap has snared more than just me. Oh, it is a trap, alright, a way to defend our defiance, combat accountability, and excuse our own stupidity.
Your James Bond Fantasies Become Real
The problem with this is that fantasies usually don't come by chance. You have to plan them yourself. This seems to kill the very idea of a natural fantasy because you have to deal with the mundane realities of the arrangements.
Body Acceptance: The Secret to Weight Loss Success
Can we love our bodies? As the years go by, each decade brings new and unexpected changes. We move from adolescence to young adulthood. For some, the transition is into motherhood. Most of us eventually enter into maturity and beyond. Our bodies are affected by stress, environment, sadness, and other emotions. Some bodies are affected by illness or disease. Other bodies are shaped by the after effects of emotional eating, starvation, or compulsive exercise. Is it possible to make peace and love our bodies?
The Creative Evolution of Intellectual Properties: The Royal Critters/Whale Magic (TM) Project
Hello Creative Entrepreneurs!
Get Out Of Your Own Way
One of the biggest obstacles to our self growth and personal development is.................ourselves!
Are YOU Ready for Bonza Bottler Day?
BONZA BOTTLER DAY is any day when the date and the month have the same number. Bonza, I'm told, means "excellent" or "really great" in Australian, and there's some suggestion that "bottler" means the same.
How Do You Do That? Demystifying People With Disabilities
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 30, 2002
Israel Is My Son
"And thou shalt say unto Pharoah, Thus saith the Lord, "Israel is my son, even my first-born. And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me;and if thou refuse to let him go, behold I will slay thy son, even thy first born(Exodus 4.22)."
Say Thank You to the Cow for the Steak on Your Plate
Have you ever said thank-you to the cow that provided you with the steak for your dinner!
A Brick Wall
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 18, 2003
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 19, 2004
He Who Laughs...Lasts---Where Has All The Laughter Gone?
I love to watch people at airports, malls and evenat our church. I wonder, what got them here? Whatattracted those two people to be together at thistime? What makes that one tick or that one overthere work so hard? And sadly, I wonder where hasall the laughter gone?
Moral Obligation & Responsibility
Chances are you have seen some type of disturbance in your lifetime. Whether it was a bully picking on someone or a piece of trash on the ground, disturbances happen daily on several different levels. Some people address them and others wait or assume someone else will handle the situation.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 9, 2002
Pay It Forward
My friend Hugh Jeffries died. He was a wealthy man. His wealth was of the kind that you can take with you when you go. I do not know what his tangible estate measures. That is unimportant now. This I do know?his contributions to the lives of others were the true measure of his success and wealth.
Coming To Your Senses, Again and Again!
When we talk about the Enchanted Self we are referring to positive states of mind and body that are unique to each of us. We are also referring to the process by which we tap into our Enchanted Self. (The name I have given to this delightful, happy, elevated part of us that knows how to have fun, feel alive and be joyful.) One step in the process is learning how to heighten and how to return to positive states of mind and body. Our memories always assist us.
A Rush Home to Rapture
Riding a rush, being juiced, flying high-this is the feeling we strive for every day.
My friend Donald said to me one evening, "this is what I admire about you, whenever you say you're gonna to do something, YOU DO IT"! People always ask me how do I stay motivated? How do I stay encouraged? Whenever I am asked this question my answer is always the same. I tell them that I stay focused and motivated by remaining in an autopilot mode. However, when I ponder that question on a deeper spiritual level, I come to the realization that the true answer is much more involved than the "auto-pilot" response. Would you like to know what the real answer is? Keep reading.
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