Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 30, 2002
I am writing for advice on a personal dilemma of the most personal nature. I am male, mid-40s, married 20 years.
After all these years, I still long to make love to my wife two or three times per week, while she seems to prefer two or three times per year, if ever. Best I can tell, she no longer enjoys making love whatsoever and hasn't for the last 10 years.
While all this seems dismal, the problem I am seeking advice on is more a moral issue. First, let me make sure you know that I have been faithful to my wife since the day I met her. I would never consider sex outside my marriage vows. That goes against every moral fiber of my being.
Additionally, pornographic materials and gentlemen's clubs go against my beliefs and would only make matters worse. I will say after all these years I do understand why some men succumb to weakness and fall prey to sex outside their marriage.
Please do not tell me to have a meaningful conversation with my wife. I tried that and failed miserably. In February 2000, after years of trying to get through to her, I felt I couldn't take it anymore. I told her I long for the intimacy only a married couple can share.
She offered no reason, except she is always tired and has too much on her plate. While I acknowledge that she shoulders plenty of responsibility with work and home, she can find the time to walk the dogs or work herself to the bone on something that can wait until tomorrow.
I pleaded with her to get whatever physical, medical, emotional or psychological help she might need to get our marriage back on track. I offered to attend any sessions she felt comfortable with me participating in.
I offered to do anything in our lovemaking that would make it more enjoyable for her. I told her I would not pressure her into making love, but would wait for her to let me know when she was ready.
For four weeks things improved as we made love three times. However, she never sought outside help and began to fall into her old comfortable habits. Over the next 17 months we made love only another six times with most coming at my insistence.
I finally gave up keeping track and gave up on her caring enough to change. Short of divorce, how do I relieve my sexual tension without compromising my beliefs and myself?
Marshall, rules make sense in context. One rule most people believe in is "Thou shalt not kill." However, if you must kill a man to defend your wife and children, most people would say you haven't violated the rule.
If a robber breaks into your home, collects your valuables and asks if you have anymore money, most people would say it is okay to lie. Why? Because rules only make sense in context. Otherwise the person with the lower standard always gets to win.
From society's point of view, marriage is the best possible context for sexuality to be expressed. Marriage attaches sex to love and a caring, committed relationship, and two people are present to raise the children.
You don't believe in divorce, yet you have contemplated adultery. Why? Because something which belongs in your marriage is not there. "Keep thee only unto him" absolutely means don't cheat, but it does not mean "Don't let him have it either."
Your wife will not honestly tell you what is on her mind, and you have suggested every possible solution. As a result, you are estranged from the person you should be most closely bonded to.
It is time to apply your ideas about marriage and divorce to your current specific situation and decide what is right. Rules only make sense in context.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
A Little Blessing Changes Everything
"We're on a one-game winning streak!" That's what freshman Dawan Boxley said after his basketball team, the Rutgers-Camden Pioneers, beat Bloomfield College 77 to 72, snapping a five-year, 117-game losing streak. Imagine losing every game for five years; how depressing that must have been for the team, the coach, and the entire school! But what a joy when that buzzer sounded and game 118 turned out differently.
The Road Not Taken
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 24, 2003
If You Were an Angel... What Would You Do?
If you were an Angel what could you do to make a difference? What would you do? To some this is an overwhelming question. The first thought that would go through many minds is " What I do wouldn't make much of a difference ... I am only one person." Get past that! Remember ... the question is if you were an Angel. Angels can be everywhere, be all and do all as they are messengers of God.
Commitment To The Journey
I have been a business owner for about a minute. In fact, that would probably be quite generous if you compared me to the business moguls out here or anywhere for that matter. But in spite of that fact, I probably know a lot about business, more than I realize and much more than you would expect, if you knew my background. It is my life as a business owner that has finally made sense of all the data and observations that I have gathered over the years. I spent 20 years of my life working for others, most unknown, some infamous.
A Brick Wall
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 18, 2003
Entrepreneur and Mom
When I was 12 years old, I had surgery with complications. I was told there was a chance I would not be able to have children. Growing up I could not imagine my life without children and worried about it often. When I got married close to my 21st birthday, my husband and I hoped that we would be lucky enough to have children. Luckily, I found out I was pregnant almost a year later. However, soon after the great news, I got very sick. I was working full time at a corporate travel agency and I could not work. My doctor told me that I had to take care of myself or I would be at risk to lose my baby. My employer got very nasty with me and was not compassionate about my sickness. I almost lost my job, but my doctor was able to get me medical leave from the family leave act. The experience was horrible. I vowed to never have to choose between my career and the health of my baby. I began to look for ways to work from home. I tried Mary Kay Cosmetics but I was terrible at it. It didn't feel comfortable and I really had nothing to make me want to be successful.
Do you ever need to have your batteries "re-charged", or you may need a boost to your self-confidence. You might be facing a very scary situation--like turning another year older with a BIG zero behind the number--and need a strong and reasurring presence.
The Great Challenge of Life
Here's the great challenge of life - You can have more than you've got because you can become more than you are.
Tsunamis in the Bible?
I have always wondered how the Red Sea parted as described in the Exodus story of Moses.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 13, 2003
Ignorance and Fantasy
Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy? Consider the heavenly view of the world that young souls entertain at the height of their innocence, when their youth has been surrounded by love and filled with happiness. Hear their laughter. Dreams expand in a vacuity of knowledge like a laughing gas and induce the blindest, the purest joy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, because it spares us the mental restraints associated with knowledge (which reveals the limits of reality and hence the impossibility of our fantasies). It is the ultimate playground where the mind can build castles in the air, create a wonderland, and live delightedly in this kingdom of reverie. It paves the way for the reign of error, as it leaves us to believe whatever we like. Everything that is desirable is realizable, if not real, until we find evidence to the contrary. Santa Claus eventually dies of our old age ? when we are no longer so young, so green, that we are easily fooled by a tall story.
Hope in Humanity
Let us renew our hope in humanity. It's so easy to lose faith when someone cuts us off on the highway, when a 'friend' blows us off (for the second time) and fails to show, when we get burned in a business deal, when a co-worker doesn't do what they said they were going to do, or when a colleague fails to keep their promise, etc.
Win Your Own Lotto
When people talk about enrichment, they are usually thinking of financial enrichment. (Show me the money!) But, we can enrich many other aspects of our lives too such as: spiritual, mental, physical, and social, as examples. Winning the multi-dollar lotto is not impossible, but are you spending your life waiting for your fortune to come to you? For those of you that feel powerless at work, you have more control over your destiny than you think you do.
What is the Meaning of Life?
A young man in search of enlightenment had traveled to Tibet at great expense and more than a little consternation amongst his family and friends. It was a week before he was allowed to speak with a red-capped administrator of the Dalai Lama's personal staff; in the meantime he enjoyed the wondrous sights of the Himalayas. The people of the countryside had welcomed him and he was learning their language slowly. They had made it clear no one got to talk to the Dalai Lama and ask a personal question unless they had waited a long time and shown proper respect and intent.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 30, 2002
Making Commitments of Love and Courage
There is a story about a little girl who suffered from a serious disease. Her best chance of recovery would be to receive a blood transfusion from her five-year old brother.
Love the Opportunity
Somebody said you have to love what you do, but that's not necessarily true. What is true is that you have to love the opportunity. The opportunity to build life, future, health, success and fortune.
This article was channelled through me by an entity called Joseth (My name for the creator)
There Must Be More To Life Than This
If you suffer from a nagging feeling of "there must be more to life than this", you're not alone.
Look Out Any Window
Over my extended Thanksgiving weekend I took some time to look through my telescope at the moon. I saw the full moon rising in the east-northeast and thought it would be a good night for a look, so I set up my Meade reflecting telescope in the kitchen and aimed it toward the window.
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