Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 9, 2002
I was involved with a man separated from his wife. We connected on an extremely emotional level and were in the process of building a future.
His wife left him and their two children to accept a job in another state and to experience a more unencumbered life. Prior to leaving she cheated on him three times and was emotionally and physically unavailable to her children.
Unfortunately I let myself get drawn into his life and his children's lives. I not only fell in love with him but also with the children. I was devastated when he accepted her back with no questions asked, but I accept responsibility for getting involved and for the consequences of my actions.
At the death of a loved one, when her family needed her most, she again abandoned her husband and children. As I predicted. He contacted me to let me know I was right. As much as I hoped that would bring satisfaction, it didn't. It brought only deep sadness.
There is nothing I can do to make him see her for who she is. How do I find peace knowing this cycle of coming and going will continue in his life? I want what is best for all of them. I know walking away is best for me, and I guess I am looking for confirmation from an objective outside source.
Tia, in "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens, three ghosts come to Ebenezer Scrooge and alter the course of his life. For you, the ghost was your companion's wife.
There is a line Scrooge says which we have never forgotten. "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.'' That is what the story is about. It is also the story of our lives.
With the holidays approaching, it will be hard for you not to think about what might have been. But with the holidays approaching, his wife may well reappear. Even if she doesn't, her specter will never be far off, and he will be open to her return.
Hard as it is to walk away, it shows you understand the lesson from Dickens' tale. Walking away opens the door to possibilities. It opens the door to your fulfillment and to the promise of the new year.
Wayne & Tamara
A Love Story
My name is Winnie. I am 15 years old. I am in love. I know it has to be love! I spent the whole day yesterday with this guy I have liked for about a month. He is 16.
I know he likes me, too. Well, at least I hope so. He flirts with me all the time. I want to call and talk to him about my feelings, but I am not sure how to word it. Every time I see him I get butterflies in my stomach, and every other problem in the world seems to go away. Can you please tell me what to do, or at least, what to say?
Winnie, every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. You're at the beginning of the story now, and it's such a good beginning you want to rush to the end, read the last chapter, and see how it turns out. At least you want to tell this boy how it should end.
But by skipping to the end and telling him your feelings, you will miss the middle part where things develop and the plot gets interesting. Let the story unfold in its own way.
If you've already spent a whole day with him, you don't have problems talking to each other. We're pretty sure he knows you like him a lot. That's enough for now. By letting things unfold in their own time, you won't spoil the ending.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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