Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 30, 2003
Please bear with me. I desperately need advice. I dated this girl for a year, and we broke up many times because of religion. We are of two different religions, and she wanted our potential children to be of her faith and only her faith.
To me that seemed a bit unfair. I too want to share in my children's spirituality, and I too want to take them to my church and experience a bit of what I had while growing up. She did not like this idea. She said it would be okay if I took them to my church, but the children could not pray with me or to "my" God.
I tried to explain to her that we are all one and all God's children. I said our children would benefit from what the two religions have to offer. In addition, since we care so deeply for each other, we should respect each other's beliefs.
We never reached an agreement, and three months ago we broke up for good. Last week she invited me to dinner. She told me she dated someone for a month, but it didn't work. I was hurt because the thought of me dating another makes me sick.
One thing led to another, and we were intimate. When we parted she said she will always love me and for me to e-mail when I become engaged so she won't have to wonder "what if." She also said one day she may change her mind and agree with my views about children.
I don't know what to do. Oh, one more thing, prior to dating me she had a four month relationship with a married man twice her age.
Sig, a person who suggests she feels so strongly about her religious faith needs to date within that faith. But that only partly describes your situation.
Your former girlfriend seems to be inventing the rules as she goes along. Her behavior does not reflect a life lived within religious teachings. It is as if she is trying to add piety to herself by speaking of her religious fervor for children who don't yet exist.
She is also giving you hope for the future in case she cannot find someone else, and because you have been intimate with her, you feel possessive about her. That is why the thought of dating another makes you sick. You also feel fear about the uncertainties of dating again.
Don't let your desire for a relationship blind you to what is happening. Letting her come back to you because she cannot find someone else is in her interest, not yours. She does you a disservice in saying she loves you, because what you are describing is a woman who likes you up to the point where you are not of her religion.
Wayne & Tamara
My friend Missy is getting married this Saturday. I am the maid of honor. Missy's fiance has expressed deep concern about their sex life. Basically he isn't getting any.
Missy's fiance has asked Missy's friends, including me, to talk to her about it. So far nothing seems to work. He has already said he will just have to suffer in that aspect of their relationship for the rest of his life. I know this is a personal issue, but is there anything I could do to help?
Tricia, as a young man, Missy's fiance has no idea how long a lifetime can be. He will never have more leverage than he has now, but he is marrying with a marriage-ending problem.
There is no indication in your letter that Missy is saving herself for marriage. Rather she believes by marrying her he has accepted things as they are. Letters like yours make us want to scream with frustration. When will we receive his letter asking if he should cheat or divorce?
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
You know kids, one of the things I've learned by letting more people know what's going on inside my head is that once you do people expect you to live up to what you've put out there. I've sort of learned on the fly here that using this knowledge as a burr under the saddle that is my life accelerates my growth. Where I used to piddle (piddle's a FUN word to say...) around on things that I was working on internally and hadn't publicly disclosed, it's become clear to me that if I make it wide spread knowledge that ‚??this is an area I'm working on getting better in‚??, you guys and girls let me know when I've missed the mark.
Supercharge Your Dreams!
We all accept the fact that the lighter the backpack, the easier and quicker the climb to the top of the mountain. We all understand that the lighter the load on an airplane, the higher and faster it can fly. We pay extra for high octane fuel so our car will operate more efficiently. Then why don't we apply the same wisdom to our bodies and our dreams?
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 2, 2003
It's funny how an acquaintance from the past just pops into your head sometimes. Usually the flashback is brought on by a phrase someone says, or a thought you have. Today my particular flashback was induced by the words "this guy," which were uttered by one of the custodians where I work, as we passed in the hall.
Time to Change the World!
Here's something you can do each day that will REALLY make a difference to provide:
Built in Judge
In this world we don't have to afraid to anybody except to only one. Who is it? Where is it?
Letting Go Of Perfection
"The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without having to be "perfect.'"
Are You Afraid of Change?
Change, no matter how you cut it, can certainly be adaunting task. There are so many ways to change; yourimage, attitude, environment, perceptions, addictions, andhow you treat others.
Even the Smallest Sound
You are probably in front of your computer screen at this very moment, reading every word I have written.
Lessons Learned Hard
Many of us seek consolation in the words of Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way." I say many of us because I feel this trap has snared more than just me. Oh, it is a trap, alright, a way to defend our defiance, combat accountability, and excuse our own stupidity.
To Raise Your Frequency, Just Turn on the Joy!
The feeling response to being filled up with Love from your Spirit is joy. Higher frequency energy-Love-activates a joy response in your emotional body. I like to say that joy is a frequency-but it is more accurate to say that joy is your emotional response to higher frequency. When you are at a certain frequency, feeling the Love from Spirit moving through you to Spirit, the natural feeling you have is joy. And here is something truly empowering to know: when you feel joy, you are at a higher frequency.
A Little Blessing Changes Everything
"We're on a one-game winning streak!" That's what freshman Dawan Boxley said after his basketball team, the Rutgers-Camden Pioneers, beat Bloomfield College 77 to 72, snapping a five-year, 117-game losing streak. Imagine losing every game for five years; how depressing that must have been for the team, the coach, and the entire school! But what a joy when that buzzer sounded and game 118 turned out differently.
How To Be a Champion in Your Life
Are you left with inspiration but no action after hearing, reading, and watching stories about other people who are successful? If so, you're not alone. I've got a question for you: Why watch Oprah when you can be on Oprah instead? Don't you see different guests on her show every day? They're people just like you. They didn't start out on Oprah, they ended up there and it wasn't by luck either. They changed their lives to get there.
I'm writing to you with a completely shattered heart. I've known my wife for over five years, and we got married last August. It was a fairy tale wedding, everything we always wanted, with about 200 guests. Everyone said by the look on our faces they knew we were in love.
The Red Ribbon
Everyone wants a blue ribbon. Blue. First place. The best. Even kindergarteners want that blue ribbon. In sports, I was never a blue-ribbon person. In a race I was always last. In baseball I was as likely to get hit on the head as to drop the ball. In basketball I was fine as long as there weren't nine other players on the court with me. Where I got my horrible sports ability, I don't know, but I got it. And I got it early.
Anything That?s Worth Doing, Is Worth Doing Poorly
Yes you got it. You read it correctly. We're not out of our minds. We really are saying that "anything that's worth doing is worth doing poorly". When we found this quote by Joachim DePosada on the web site: The Gary Halbert Letter, it struck such a huge cord. It made such immediate sense to us. The more we looked the more we realised that our lives were built around this quote. What about yours?
Five Reasons To Journal
Keeping a journal during the coaching process is one of the most simple and effective aids a client can use. Below you will find five reasons why I encourage my clients to use a journal during their coaching time. I hope that you will be motivated to commit your creative pursuits to a journal.
Nothing To Celebrate
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 12, 2002
I Believe in You!
Ally Becker came home from school after Varsity basketball practice and was extremely gleeful. She looked frantically for her Father and walked into the kitchen, the laundry room and finally the living room."Dad!!" Ally yelled.
Do you ever need to have your batteries "re-charged", or you may need a boost to your self-confidence. You might be facing a very scary situation--like turning another year older with a BIG zero behind the number--and need a strong and reasurring presence.
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