I'm writing to you with a completely shattered heart. I've known my wife for over five years, and we got married last August. It was a fairy tale wedding, everything we always wanted, with about 200 guests. Everyone said by the look on our faces they knew we were in love.
For years before the wedding, my wife was completely into me. We spent every night and all weekend together. Our perfect weekend would be a couple of rental movies and a night out to eat. Six months after the wedding I threw a 30th birthday party for my wife and invited all her friends. She had a blast but got very drunk. People were shocked to see her like that, but I was just happy my wife was happy.
After the party I noticed she acted different. My wife didn't seem to care about things we made a priority in our life, like having a baby and buying a home. One Saturday morning I found her secretly checking her voice mail messages. I guessed at her access code and guessed correctly. The message I heard was her boss saying how much he missed her and needed to hear the sound of her voice.
I started shaking and felt nauseous. He is the same age as me, in great shape, and definitely her type. I went upstairs and confronted my wife. She denied it, but I could see the lie in her face. When I suggested we listen to the voice mail together, she confessed and we both cried.
She explained he was there for her because I wasn't there emotionally. She said they only kissed once or twice but never slept together. I want to believe her, but I don't. She seems cold and distant and isn't the same person anymore. Part of me wants her back, and part of me thinks she's too far gone.
Doyle, just because you cried together it doesn't mean you were crying for the same reason. A teenager stealing a CD from a store may cry when he gets caught, but if he succeeded he might hold the CD aloft and boast to his buddies. His tears are not tears of remorse, but tears because of his predicament.
Nothing in your letter suggests you weren't there for your wife emotionally, yet she isn't lying when she makes that claim. Who was emotionally disconnected? She was, from you. She doesn't feel the closeness, the loyalty, and the bond you do.
Your connection to her would prevent you from doing this to her. She was so disconnected from you she didn't consider you before becoming involved with her boss.
She claims you were emotionally distant. She wants you to accept blame for something she never told you. She did not come to her husband and talk. She started dating her boss and hid it from her husband. If she was that miserable, she should have told you.
Fidelity is the definition of marriage. What does that mean? When two people decide on marriage, dating stops. Intimate relationships with other people stop. Otherwise, why get married? Your wife is dating again. That kills a marriage.
In one of the Upanishads there is an ecstatic passage which begins, "This earth is honey for all beings, and all beings are honey for this earth?" That passage always reminds us what marriage should feel like. A husband should be honey for his wife, and a wife honey for her husband.
Home should be a refuge and an oasis. The one who shares that with you should love you simply and completely.
To move forward, sooner or later you have to get to the truth. How do you get from where you are to where you want to be, with a woman whose first response was to lie and point the finger at you?
Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 3, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
The Tiniest of Gladiators
I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and felt the power ofhis fighting spirit, despite the pain and week long raging fever. Mostof the time my heart was in my throat and my mind was awash withcounter-productive thoughts like, "why him?" and "this isn't fair!"
Love the Opportunity
Somebody said you have to love what you do, but that's not necessarily true. What is true is that you have to love the opportunity. The opportunity to build life, future, health, success and fortune.
Anam Chara - Living A Life Of Value
Much of our lives we spend comparing what "me" has with what "you" has. Usually this is to the detriment of "me." We take our values from the world of the visible and ignore the values of the invisible. We build our sense of self on the sifting sands of fortune.
5 Tips To Add More Spice To Your Life
1. Once a week, visit somewhere you've never been before. A city, town or village, a museum, a theater, a restaurant, café, or bar, a park, a zoo, a wood or forest ? get the idea? Visiting new places broadens your horizons and helps to keep life fresh and interesting.
I Dont Like This
You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you, are you listening to what I am saying. It would have been much better if I would have done that myself. Now go.
Most of us, at one point or another, take a moment to evaluate our lives and the paths that we have chosen to take. We each do it at different times and with different emphasis. Sometimes people do it around high school or college graduation time, when deciding what career to pursue, how we want to be regarded by society, friends, and family or how to transition ourselves from a student to a grown up.
An Unquenched Thirst
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 9, 2002
Beautiful Day Blues
The massive orb dominates the aqua crystalline backdrop of its own making, floods its rays on everything below. The sky devoid of a single cloud seems as empty as I feel and the beach looks like an arid desert, molded by tireless wind and blazing heat. I picture myself atop an Arabian camel, parched with thirst, crossing an unforgiving series of never-ending dunes, up one and down the next, no rhyme nor reason, only the nose of the animal in front of me.
Escape into Reality and Find Love
The early months of this year brought major challenges, as well as blessings, for many folks. They certainly brought many unique challenges and blessings for me.
Reach Your Dreams
About fifteen years ago I was rummaging through some old boxes in my basement when I discovered a stack of poems that I had written during my childhood. As I began reading, I discovered a long-forgotten world ? one that sang with romance, adventure, and mystery. It was a world of princesses, heroes, and castles, where the princess was always rescued and the dragon always slain.
Does Your Childhood Hold You Back?
Have you come to a point in your life and got stuck and unable to move on?
Such Love Transforms
Everything was arranged: once the funeral was over, all were to go to Hephzibah's house for the after-funeral dinner. It was the way things were done in Nain, typical of the customs followed by citizens of the Jewish towns of the Galilee.
Anything That?s Worth Doing, Is Worth Doing Poorly
Yes you got it. You read it correctly. We're not out of our minds. We really are saying that "anything that's worth doing is worth doing poorly". When we found this quote by Joachim DePosada on the web site: The Gary Halbert Letter, it struck such a huge cord. It made such immediate sense to us. The more we looked the more we realised that our lives were built around this quote. What about yours?
Why Be Great?
Have you ever thought of what it would take to make you "truly great" at what you do?
Its About That Time
As we've reached the half way point of the year I'm thinking this might be a good time to pull up and evaluate things. Look back over the first 6 months, and look ahead to the upcoming days and months. Get some clarity. You know?
The Karate Kid
I have an unexpected relationship problem. It's hard to believe it has become such an issue but it has. The whole thing started very innocently when my boyfriend and I were watching some silly action movie. The female heroine was kicking butt, and I mentioned to my boyfriend I took a semester's worth of judo classes in college and could probably give him a run for his money.
The Art of Selfishness
Mature selfishness is the cornerstone of effectively living with passion and purpose. A commitment to self- interest is practical and efficient since you are better able to meet your needs than hope that someone else does. It is the basis for the laws of natural selection and "survival of the fittest." Unfortunately, society has given mature selfishness a bad name.
A Bad Move
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 7, 2003
Everyone Has Been Hurt ....Part 6
The Theft of Fire
"Igne Natura Renovatur Integra" (By fire is nature renewed whole.) ?Alchemical maxim
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