Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 25, 2002
My boyfriend's daughter (I'll call her Mary) got married six months ago. She is 19 and pregnant. My boyfriend (I'll call him John) didn't go to the wedding because he disapproved of her husband and the marriage.
The reason he gave for not attending was it would make him a hypocrite in front of his other children if he went. This caused a huge rift between John and Mary, and they have not spoken since the wedding. Before this they were very close, talking almost every day.
Mary's baby is due any day now. I told Mary it would be a shame not to allow her baby a chance to know its grandfather. She said John could see the baby if he wanted, but she is unwilling to make the first move.
I talked to John this morning and told him I think they are both stubborn as donkeys. John is firm on his stance, saying it is a matter of principle. He says by not compromising he is able to sleep at night. I am not sure John is using the term "principle" correctly, since I don't understand what principle this involves.
The dictionary defines a principle as a rule of conduct, or something which is important. In my opinion establishing communication with Mary wouldn't compromise his principles, since it seems his objective was not alienating his daughter but boycotting the wedding. Is there some principle involved here?
Trina, when you are a parent, all you can do is get your children to a certain point. After that they are on their own. Parents are not like pear trees, putting out only pear seeds. Humans are free to follow a different course. Wisely or not, Mary can decide who she marries.
She married a man John dislikes, and she is pregnant. That's a fact, not a principle. As a parent, John punished Mary by not attending the wedding. It was a harsh punishment. Girls dream of walking down the aisle on their father's arm, and Mary has no wedding pictures with her dad in them.
After you punish a child, you move on. You don't punish them again and again for the same offense. Whatever John's pride required should have been satisfied. All the rest is revenge. The only principle here is anger. John is angry his authority over Mary was undermined.
For the sake of vanity he is ready to create a permanent rift in the family. On birthdays, holidays and other occasions the family won't be together as a unit, and in a short time, the repercussions of his actions may be too far advanced to reverse.
If John cannot behave himself around Mary and her husband, it is best not to be around them. But the principle he violates is placing pride above love.
Wayne & Tamara
I am involved in a relationship for the past seven years. Recently I asked my partner what his future plans are for us. His answer was, "I don't know." Am I wasting my time?
Nadine, if you have to approach the topic of marriage so gingerly, you already know the answer. If your partner wanted to make things permanent, you wouldn't need to ask.
It's hard to walk away from a casino table when you've been losing. You naturally want to win back what you've lost. You lost three years, then four, and now seven. It's time to walk away.
He's had the benefits, and you've taken the loss. He hasn't given you the one thing you want. Chances are he has known for a long time he doesn't want to make you his wife.
You will learn a lesson if you end this relationship on your own terms. You will have learned not to let things drag on with someone who doesn't have those feelings which add up to marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
I Dont Like This
You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you, are you listening to what I am saying. It would have been much better if I would have done that myself. Now go.
Have You Lost Focus?
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 17, 2003
An Extraordinary Person
I am not going to tell you the story of an extraordinary person, who did remarkable things in life. Why should I? Are you not an extraordinary person? What do you think about yourself? You possess all the assets of an extraordinary person but, unfortunately, you are not an extraordinary person because you don't think so.
A Word Fitly Spoken ~ Acceptance
A WORD FITLY SPOKEN
Life is what happens to you, while you are making other plans. ( John Lennon )
The Theft of Fire
"Igne Natura Renovatur Integra" (By fire is nature renewed whole.) ?Alchemical maxim
Practice Being Like a Child
Remember the master teacher once said 2000 years ago, "Unless you can become like little children, your chances are zero, you haven't got a prayer." A major consideration for adults.
Patience - The Antidote for Stress
Why is it so difficult to hold steadfast to a commitment to the very thing we desire? I'm sure you've had the experience of challenging your client with something to do, or to be, in service of moving them closer to their heart's desire. As you reconvene again and again, you note that the client can't seem to stay committed to the steps that will realize their dreams. Certainly the age-old response is fear--but perhaps there is more going on.
The HUGE Deposit of Diamond in You
Something happened to me some years back that is worthy is sharing with everybody all over the world. When I started running my business, things were very tough for me to the point that I could hardly afford to have a dime on me. One of those days, I was at home and very hungry with no hope of seeing anything to munch. I tried to force myself to sleep, but I could only succeed for just thirty minutes! I was so hungry that I just couldn't have time for my favorite past time, reading.
A Pre-existing Condition
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 2, 2002
Your Support Network
Quick. Who's in your support network? Huh? What's a support network? Do I have a support network? Honey, who's in my support network?
Why Be Great?
Have you ever thought of what it would take to make you "truly great" at what you do?
Energy Work Basics Part 2: What Lifts Your Spirit?
Remember, everything is made of energy. Each of us has an energy field. Our thoughts and emotions extend beyond our physical bodies and influence the people and spaces around us. The energy of thoughts and emotions hangs around in spaces after the people have left.
Make A Difference - Just Go Make A Difference!
Three Words That Can Help Us Live Exceptional Lives
The Art of Letting Go
It has been six months since I left the corporate world ? and there are some things I will always miss. Like saying good morning to colleagues on my way to the office where I worked every day. Or getting caught in the excitement as we prepared for another big meeting or presentation.
Inspiration: Some Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far
Let's file this one under the heading of random musings and observations, or what I like to call "things I've noticed along the way so far."
Your World Your Way - Trusting Yourself In Business
"It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back."
The 5 Fortunes Within
What could be nearer to us than our own selves. What could be a greater fortune to discover than our own love. When you can accept yourself just as you are, with all your warts and wrinkles, with all those extra tucks of fat, with all those scars and blemishes, with all your broken promises and misadventures, then, and only then, can you begin to appreciate your own power, beauty, integrity, intelligence, and competence.
Beauty, Gratitude, and the Open Heart
"?beauty on your earth is a shadow of the beauty of our heaven, and it's a bitter thing to have a blindness for beauty on earth, for it makes a longer teaching to see the beauties of heaven." Spoken by an Irish spirit in the book The Boy who Saw True (anonymous author).
|© Athifea Distribution LLC - 2013|