A Pre-existing Condition
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 2, 2002
I am 25 and have been married for two years. This past August I began an affair with my husband's younger brother. I feel just terrible and want to end the relationship, but I feel I am in a hopeless situation.
The guilt is overwhelming, and I feel I need to come clean with my husband before I can get past what I've done and move on. However, I'm sure you can see the conflict. Since the affair involves someone so close to my husband, I don't know that we could ever get through this.
I don't want to destroy the relationship between my husband and his brother, not to mention that this news would destroy their entire family. I feel like I should divorce my husband, cut off all contact with him and his brother, and live with the consequences of my actions--loneliness, guilt, and the burden of my sins. Can you please help?
Kerri, you want to whip yourself with a cat-o'-nine-tails, but this is not something to whip yourself about. It is something to understand. There is no point in becoming just another miserable person on the planet. Too many people already fit that category.
Your affair is not the problem. The problem started before that, and it involves what you brought to the marriage. When two people have that ultimate love which everyone craves, they never forget who they are married to. Forgetting the other person would be like forgetting their own name.
If you truly loved your husband, you couldn't have done this. If you hadn't done something so severe, he would want to work out your differences. Your reasons for marrying this man were not sufficient to sustain the marriage. So you sought a way out.
If you decide to divorce, you owe your husband an explanation. You may want to tell him you deceived yourself about your feelings for him. If he did nothing wrong, you need to tell him that.
It is up to you whether or not you admit sleeping with his brother. The question is, Does he need his brother more than he needs to know what his brother is like?
Perhaps you don't feel worthy of love. If that is the case, you need to explore this issue as well. The marriage you want is the opposite of what you did. Like every other human being you deserve love, not loneliness, guilt and anxiety. But until you understand why you acted, there is no way to end the cycle of doing wrong, then punishing yourself after the fact.
Wayne & Tamara
I have been dating Nick for over three years now. He is wonderful. One problem though. His family often makes very racist comments. Not just jokes, but mean-spirited comments. I have friends of many backgrounds, and I am deeply offended when I hear these things.
Nick does not have any racist feelings, so he is not part of the problem. At the same time, he never confronts his family about their hurtful comments. By letting his family know how I feel, I risk angering them and having them take it out on Nick, and I'd rather not do that. Should I say something?
Brooke, some years ago I read a remark by the science writer Guy Murchie. He said that no one we see, no matter where they come from, can be less than about a fiftieth cousin to us.
Beyond that, nearly every spiritual tradition condemns this sort of prejudice. When Tamara and I run into this situation, we either speak up, or we get up and leave. People deserve to be judged on their individual merits, and remaining silent, denies our common humanity.
You and Nick are serious. You cannot allow this to continue. His family needs to understand that these remarks are unacceptable in your presence.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Making the Most of Your Peak and Off-peak Times
What is the most essential part of your business? You are!
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 23, 2003
Important Things to Know / Remember About Life
Giving Life Meaning
Have you thought about what you want people to say about you after you're gone? Can you hear the voices saying, "He was a great man." Or "She really will be missed." What else do they say?
Where Do You Go For Your Intellectual Feast?
(excerpted from Leading an Inspired Life)
What If?What if I can't? What If I can?What I should be thinkingIs it in God's plan?
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 27, 2003
Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life
What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ways of thinking and being on the inside. These have to do with your attitude and your intent.
Second Thoughts? Think Again!
Life is perfect. If you have read these articles long enough, you have seen this written in several different forms and ways. There is even a series on it in one of my ebooks. Life is perfect is a way of living for me. If I understand that I have the ability to create my life by the actions I take, then I understand that both the life I live today and the life I will live tomorrow is perfect in that sense.
Why Anyone Can Be Prosperous
In nature, when the season is right, all things flourish and overflow with abundance.
Five Reasons To Journal
Keeping a journal during the coaching process is one of the most simple and effective aids a client can use. Below you will find five reasons why I encourage my clients to use a journal during their coaching time. I hope that you will be motivated to commit your creative pursuits to a journal.
Play a BIGGER role in life!
Did you ever think that you are not playing the role which you should play in your life?
The Shattered Identity
20 Ways To Improve Your Life
People often ask me how they can improve their lives.
An Extraordinary Person
I am not going to tell you the story of an extraordinary person, who did remarkable things in life. Why should I? Are you not an extraordinary person? What do you think about yourself? You possess all the assets of an extraordinary person but, unfortunately, you are not an extraordinary person because you don't think so.
Persistency - Element In Reality
One of the keys to being successful in anything you do is persistence. Lets clarify the word 'persistence' :- It is ability to be persist on instances. And one of key element in this instances is your main Objective in life.
What Company Does Your Business Keep?
A man is known by the company he keeps. We have heard that phrase so many times. Our folks have cautioned us often with that in our silly childhood. Do we heed to that advice in our business? Where do you hang out? What is your business surrounded by?
Self Acceptance ? Lessons From My Hair Affair
For our diet and, indeed, in every aspect of our lives, we must remember to relax from the demands of the unrealistic ideal. For those trying to lose weight, you cannot be the Barbie. For those lifting weights, you cannot be the Governor of California. Accepting this principle first, can give you the peace of mind to love what you do have, lower frustration, and actually make weight loss easier in the long run!
Who is the Pilot?
It was a mild summer day in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina when I boarded United Airline flight 7318 to Washington, DC. Like usual, I promptly located my window seat, with no doubts that the pilots would safely take me to my destination. Suddenly, as I sat gazing out of the window waiting for take-off, certain questions unfolded in my mind. I wondered, "Who are these pilots that I wholeheartedly entrust with my life?" I wondered about my surety of knowing that they would, or could take me to my destination. I also pondered on "Why it is that I -- or we as individuals, trustingly and unwaveringly allow others to continuously pilot our lives without questions or reservations?" We permit others to pilot our lives while we unquestionably find our seat near the window - just watching - watching our lives quickly pass by. We lack faith in ourselves, because too often, we allow others such as bosses, friends, family and even enemies, to navigate our lives. We allow others to pilot our lives because of their negative words. We allow others to pilot our lives because they claim to know what is best for us. We live on autopilot without a clue as to where we are headed, or how we will get there. We must declare that we will no longer allow other people to take control of our lives - or of our future. No matter how cloudy things look, no matter how dark our past is, we must remember that God is in control. Allow God to be your pilot -- as you co-pilot your own life into a prosperous and promising future. Declare today: I will no longer sit back and allow other people to control my life into an uncertain and discontented future. The past is behind me -- and only the best is yet to come! Copyright 2003 by Audrina Jones Bunton. REPRINTING THIS ARTICLE: Permission is granted to reproduce or distribute this article only in its entirety and provided copyright is acknowledged. You can find other articles to choose from at http://www.purposefully-living.com/mailing%20list.htmMotivational Speaker, Audrina Jones Bunton was born the seventh of eight children in her household in Pinehurst, North Carolina into a loving and committed Christian home. As she has 2 children, over 40 nieces and nephews and great- nieces and nephews, it is not unusual to find her under the same roof with many of her maternal five-generation family on weekends and on holidays. In her youth, she fondly recalls traveling throughout the U.S. with her family, as her parents ministered from state to state year after year-helping people as they traveled.
There Is Always Room For Improvement
When I was twelve my parents bought me a five foot snooker table for my birthday. This turned out to be the best present I was ever bought and I quickly became hooked on the game. My friends would regularly come round to my house for a game and when they were not there I would practice on my own.
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