A Bad Move
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 7, 2003
My husband is a wonderful man, we are in our thirties, well-educated and fairly affluent. However, his mother has been a stumbling block in our relationship from the start.
While we dated, I thought I would surprise him on his birthday with dinner at a swanky restaurant and a movie. I dolled up in a black velvet dress, hair and make-up just right, and he was dressed up, too. Before leaving, he asked to stop off and check on his mother. She was in a sweat suit, knit cap, house dress and tennis shoes. She looked like a bag lady.
To make a long story short, she pitched a fit to go with us. I should have figured it out then, but I kept thinking things would change. They haven't. She belittles me and is very demanding of my husband's time. He sees her during his lunch hour, spends 45 minutes each night on the phone with her, and includes her in our weekend errands.
This gal could give a good shrink enough work to buy several Mercedes. Talking to her is out of the question. I could reason with a doorknob more effectively. To make matters worse, we are moving next door to his parent's home and adopting our first child in a few months.
I feel myself becoming more distant from my husband. I'm thinking about throwing myself into my small business, becoming more involved in the community, and doing church activities to carve out a life for myself away from him and his mother.
Monique, you're moving next door? Did you have a say in this? That can only give you more of what you didn't want in the first place. If she is bad now, wait until your mother-in-law has her son's child nearby.
Dealing with this woman is like a deep-sea fisherman playing a large fish. You need to keep a constant drag on the reel and never permit slack in the line. Without your husband's help, it will be impossible.
It is time to tell your husband to choose between you and your child, and his mommy. In choosing you, he can have you and his mom--his mom within reason and you completely. In choosing his mom, that is all he will ever have because she does not want him to have anyone else.
My in-laws live 20 yards away. My mother-in-law is in our home every single day. Last Sunday while the children were away, my mother-in-law walked in the door, found my husband walking around nude, and they had a great laugh. She stayed for an hour drinking wine. She knew what she walked into because I told her why we sent the children out.
I begged my husband to move away three years ago. He said for the first time in his life his parents have finally accepted him, so how could he leave? As you can imagine, his parents managed to take away a huge trust fund his grandfather left him.
I support the family, and my mother-in-law says this is how it should be. She says, "The working class has always supported the aristocracy." I am exhausted and feel fat and ugly, though I am not. I realize there is not much you can say other than think of yourself and your children, and get out.
Adeline, in Ernest Hemingway's "The Old Man and The Sea," an old fisherman catches a huge fish and lashes it to the side of his skiff. As he sails home, sharks attack and tear off great chunks of flesh. He is powerless to prevent it. By the time he reaches port, there is nothing left of his great fish but the head, bill, and backbone.
Life with an emotionally dependent husband gives you only the skeleton of marriage without the substance of marriage.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
What in the World are You Doing?
Here is the typical life ? typical, though not everybody does it this way. But for the most part, lives generally go something like this:
Starting A New Disaster Relief Program
I believe that it is an amazing time in our history. Mankind is truly showing his/her capabilities, they are observable because all thoughts are brought into physical being as symbols of thought. War and peace are physical demonstrations of thought. Disasters are also symbols of society's thinking.
If You Were an Angel... What Would You Do?
If you were an Angel what could you do to make a difference? What would you do? To some this is an overwhelming question. The first thought that would go through many minds is " What I do wouldn't make much of a difference ... I am only one person." Get past that! Remember ... the question is if you were an Angel. Angels can be everywhere, be all and do all as they are messengers of God.
A Prison Cell?
Do you have a goal? A focus in life? Have you invested a great deal of time, effort, money to achieve and yet feel you haven't made it yet? For all your effort do you still feel that there is something missing in your life? It is obviously very important to set goals in your life. It gives you a focus a way forward a mechanism for making decisions when faced with a number of options. However, it can also be a prison cell.
More Than I Can Bare
One of my long time best friends called me the other night with a horrible pain in her heart. She needed someone to talk to. Rumor had it her daughter might be suicidal and she was trapped on a business trip until the next evening. Her husband was home handling the situation, but she wasn't going to be okay until she could hold her daughter close. She needed to look deep into her daughter's eyes to get a 'read' on what was really going on inside her mind. Until she could really sit down and talk to her daughter, she could at least pick my brain as to what to do. We talked a bit about when we were seventeen, and I tried to commit suicide. Now, all these years later, what could I say to my friend or to her daughter to make it all better?
A Reason For Living in a Nutshell
In brief, my book A REASON FOR LIVING is the product of a sustained effort to answer in the most enlightening and inspiring way this single question: Why live? I started to ask myself that question about thirty years ago after my diving accident, which left the husky and lusty teenage athlete that I was a near quadriplegic. What had given meaning to my life until then had become largely impossible. As a result, my life seemed absurd.
When Failure is a Gift
I wanted, for many many years, to be a mystery writer. Finally I wrote a mystery novel. I got a best-selling novelist to be my mentor and help me with the rewrite. I got an agent. They sent the book out. And sent it out. And sent it out. And it went nowhere.
Playing With Fire
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 21, 2002
The Research Sector
Kevin had worked as a barber at The Clipper Joint for the past five years. He has dreams of opening his own barbershop one day. He is beginning to feel that it isn't really fair to have to pay Joe, the owner, 60% of his cut. It just doesn't seem right to him. He is the one with the clients. He is the one cutting heads for 7 hours a day. Why should he have to give up anything?
Persistency - Element In Reality
One of the keys to being successful in anything you do is persistence. Lets clarify the word 'persistence' :- It is ability to be persist on instances. And one of key element in this instances is your main Objective in life.
Encouragement--Heart At Work
Encouragement can have a very powerful effect on bosses and co-workers. The literal meaning of the word, encourage, is to put heart into. When this definition is applied to work situations, it suggests:
Walking on a Path of Life
We set out walking along a route where one foot walks on a sidewalk that is slowly accenting to higher levels, whilst the other foot walks on the road. We will get to a point where we have to make a choice. Do we raise ourselves up onto the side walk and continue to ascend, or do we keep both feet on the road, on the lower level?
Thoughts Are Like Seeds - Are You Planting Flowers or Weeds?
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Lewis And Clark Pay Attention
As I write this Southern California has just ended its second week of triple digit temperatures. The intense heat changes the way we live and alters the rhythm of our days. We are up earlier to walk the dog while the park is still cool. We spend a lot of time indoors in the air conditioning. We've been eating better. We don't want to heat up the house with the stove ? so it's salads and chicken from the grill. And, as I don't want to head out in my black car two or three times a day, I find myself thinking more about what I need to do and combining trips and make lists.
The River of Life
I've always loved the awesome majesty of mountains. They are, however, the byproduct of the rivers that formed them: flowing, adjusting, carving, crashing and gently nurturing the land and animals along the way. The river carves its way through, and the mountains answer as towers of strength. Like the river, our lives are forever moving and changing, shaping us as the water shapes the land it flows through.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 20, 2003
Trusting Your Genius Within
Comments about New Theories in the Professions and Business!
How Do You Read the Bible?
Here's a simple parable with an important moral.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 8, 2003
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