Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 21, 2003
I don't know whether to call it jealousy or insecurity. My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. Last year at my husband's surprise birthday party, one of my friends asked who a certain woman in the room was.
When I asked why, she said, "She and your husband have been making eye contact all night, and he seems to be paying her a lot of attention." From there on I started watching the behavior between them.
My husband participates in a sport with this woman's husband, and at times we are all together. Each time I noticed more and more eye contact between them. Just to be sure I was not imaging things, I asked my sister. She thought with the looks they gave each other, something might be going on.
Late one evening, I confronted my husband. He replied, "Don't be ridiculous." He said he loves me and goes to participate in the sport and that is all. He was furious. I told him I loved him too, but I also said my first warning was to him, the next will be to her, and thereafter to her husband. He said if something is going on, it is all on her side.
At the next sporting event, this woman avoided me like the plague. It was like she was scared to death of me. Obviously someone told her something. When I asked my husband if he had, he said no.
Now even though I did nothing wrong, I am very uncomfortable around this woman. I have three decades invested in this marriage and love this man dearly. Still it is hard to get past this and be friends with this woman again.
Helene, you didn't smell perfume on your husband's shirt or see lipstick on his collar. All you found was a woman publicly flirting with your husband. Possibly she flirts to make herself feel good, with no real desire behind it. But when the word got out, she stopped.
You did three things. You let your circle of friends know you are an observant woman who defends her territory. You let your husband know you will confront this issue head on. And if anything was going to happen, you dumped water on the embers.
Mission accomplished. Now the key is to drop this. If the situation has stopped, let it go. If you let it go, your husband may even take it as a compliment. You have let him know how much you desire him.
With the other woman, you don't need to be her enemy and you don't need to be her friend. Talk to her as you would to any other slight acquaintance. Hold your head up high as a confident married woman who will not allow anyone to sneak around behind her back.
Wayne & Tamara
I am a 21-year-old female in a committed relationship with a man I love and want to marry. We plan to live together when I go to graduate school. My dad says he can't imagine me finding a sweeter, better man who loves me so much.
Now I'm worried about the whole living together thing because studies say that living together leads to divorce, and I don't want to lose him! His dad is concerned he will be tied down, and we will have kids. I don't see that happening anytime soon! I feel ready to marry now, and I don't want to lose him.
Daryl, even if you believe the research on living together is valid, you need to realize that marriage does not prevent divorce, abuse, infidelity, or unhappiness. If you are afraid moving in together will stop a wedding, then don't live with him. But if you want to marry him because you think you will lose him, then he isn't yours to have.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
The Tiniest of Gladiators
I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and felt the power ofhis fighting spirit, despite the pain and week long raging fever. Mostof the time my heart was in my throat and my mind was awash withcounter-productive thoughts like, "why him?" and "this isn't fair!"
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As there are silent depths in the ocean, which the fiercest storm cannot reach, so there are silent, holy depths in the heart of man which the storms of confusion and sorrow can never disturb. To reach this silence and to live consciously in it is peace.
I feel rather foolish writing this letter, but I need help. I am a 67-year-old man living on social security. My wife and I divorced, but I never lost my love for her. One day we ran into each other and realized the magic is still there.
Such Love Transforms
Everything was arranged: once the funeral was over, all were to go to Hephzibah's house for the after-funeral dinner. It was the way things were done in Nain, typical of the customs followed by citizens of the Jewish towns of the Galilee.
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It is often difficult to know exactly what to do. This is especially true when you decide to stop being a creature of habit and circumstance and decide instead to live a life of purpose and meaning. It may sound strange that deciding to live purposefully can leave you without a sense of direction. But it often does. Imagine that you always take the same route to work and then one day, you wake up and decide that you are going to take another road. Ah, but which one? And does it actually go where you want to end up. That's the quandary.
"We come equipped with everything we need to experience a powerful life full of joy, incredible passion, and profound peace. The difficult part is giving ourselves permission to live it." ? Deborah Rosado Shaw
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 28, 2003
Go Where No Man Or Woman Has Gone Before
"It`s life Jim but not as we know it."-Spock
Play It Forward --Living A Life Youve Always Wanted!
What would your life be like if you lived eachevent backwards? If you knew what was coming inyour life next how would you react?
The Miracle of Personal Development
One day Mr. Shoaff said, "Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job."
The Meaning of Life - Not Just Another Dust in the Wind Theory
I grew up in the south in the 1960's. Married when I was 18 and joined the Army when I was 23. I traveled to Germany then back to the states where I lived in Connecticut for a while and then Tennessee for 10 years. I am now living in Maine.
From The Ashes
The man plopped down on his chair, defeated.
How You Can Change Your Destiny
The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state. ~James Allen, As A Man Thinketh
Dare To Dream
The rewards of life come to those who do, not to those whomerely read, talk or day dream. Action is the key.
Recipe for Success
"Desire is a tremendous force, and must be directed in the right channels (to work). - Florence Scovel Shinn
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 20, 2003
Even the Smallest Sound
You are probably in front of your computer screen at this very moment, reading every word I have written.
Brilliance in Balance
"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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