Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 5, 2004
I am a captain in the Marine Corps. A year ago my wife cheated on me with another Marine. He lived in an apartment facing ours, which I passed every day on my way to work. She was my girlfriend at the time, and she told me because she felt guilty about it. She said it only happened once.
She said she never talked to the guy again except to tell him to leave her alone. I married her even after I found out because I love her and because I feel everyone deserves a second chance. I hold a lot of anger inside about it, especially since I worked on the same base with him. He left a little while ago for another assignment, and the apartment is empty now.
My question is how do you stop thinking about it? I picture it in my mind like a broken record. I don't want to keep hounding my wife over this. I want to get over it and move on. But I just get kind of sick when I think of his hands on her. I wonder if she will do it again, and I wonder if I am not good enough, especially in bed.
To be honest, I don't know why she cheated other than she was unhappy about money and about moving to a new base. She stated she wanted him from the minute she saw him and he was the best looking man she had ever seen. I am so insecure over this it is unreal. I have never and would never cheat.
Monty, forty years ago Roy Orbison sang, "It breaks your heart in two, To know she's been untrue." Today Puddle of Mudd sings, "?have to find a way to take the knife out of my back." Forty years from now someone else will be singing the same story, and it will sound like the same old broken record.
Even when you no longer see this man's empty apartment, looking at your wife will be a reminder of what happened. The who, when, and where don't matter. What matters is that no reason she gave you justifies cheating. What matters is that you rewarded the one who caused you pain with a wedding. Now you have made the pain a full-time part of your life.
She gave you a losing ticket, and you gave her the prize. Your anger is simply the other side of the fear she will do it again. You tried to avoid the pain of losing her, but once she was unfaithful, she was already gone. You needed to work through that pain and move on with someone who would be faithful. The title of Roy Orbison's 1964 song, "It's Over," holds your answer.
Our divorce will be final in five weeks. My wife blames me for everything which went wrong in our relationship, and I admit some things were my fault. However, in the time we were together she never once said she was sorry or understood where I was coming from.
Foolishly I still feel obligated to her. She calls and asks me for favors. She starts talking nicely, then tells me what a horrible person I am. I leave these conversations feeling emotionally and spiritually drained. I don't want to say hurtful things to her, yet I need this to stop. I guess part of me still hopes for reconciliation.
Ozzie, your wires are crossed. Abuse and love are opposites. Once you uncross your wires it will change your whole perspective. It will shed light on new relationships as well as your old one. For the next five weeks, to thy old self be true. Once the divorce is final, change your phone number. Your wife has given you a great gift, the chance to discover what love actually is.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Choicemaking: Self-Help Secrets Revealed
We all assume that making choices is a simple process. We seewhat's in front of us and we choose the best option. That's the way it goes in this choicemaking process.
The Red Ribbon
Everyone wants a blue ribbon. Blue. First place. The best. Even kindergarteners want that blue ribbon. In sports, I was never a blue-ribbon person. In a race I was always last. In baseball I was as likely to get hit on the head as to drop the ball. In basketball I was fine as long as there weren't nine other players on the court with me. Where I got my horrible sports ability, I don't know, but I got it. And I got it early.
Beauty, Gratitude, and the Open Heart
"?beauty on your earth is a shadow of the beauty of our heaven, and it's a bitter thing to have a blindness for beauty on earth, for it makes a longer teaching to see the beauties of heaven." Spoken by an Irish spirit in the book The Boy who Saw True (anonymous author).
The Most Important Investment You Can Make For Your Old Age - And No, Its Not Money!
When I was twenty-two, I was befriended by a woman named Doris who was thirty years older than I was. Although Doris was then a fifty-two year old woman, she did not feel it was inappropriate to befriend me. She did not operate with the social belief that she should choose her friends only from people her own age. We became very close friends and remained so until her death at the age of eight-two.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 23, 2003
Anam Cara - Losing your Religion
I am sitting before a window of morning light "losing my religion."
Healing from Within
"We are responsible for everything in our lives, including how the chemistry in our bodies works or doesn't work." Wayne Dyer's words hit me like a bolt of lightening as I listened to his taped book, You'll See It When You Believe It.
A Life of Purposes Extraction
Purpose. What is purpose? Drinking coffee when you wake up and making a habit of drinking coffee only when you wake up? No. Trying to drink coffee when it's hot and trying conscientiously to make it a habit to swallow it hot? No. Blowing white, shivering steam off the surface and then, guttering it down immediately so that it'd fall lightly against the cylindrical walls of your gorge? No.
Misery Can Eat You Alive
This is a true story about a woman I worked with for several years.
Self Help When Youre In Debt
It's no fun being in debt.
In Search For Wealth
My eldest son phoned me the other night to let me know that he and his partner was going to have a baby. When I got the news, I was more excited then he was. He seems to be in a state of shock trying to come to grips with the can of worms that had just opened.
Taking Life Head On
"We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve." - Maxwell Maltz in Psycho-Cybernetics (1960)
Get Your Guidance and Get to Know Your True Self
Many people feel they have everything they need in life, yet happiness remains elusive. What is the key, the missing element when everything seems satisfactory externally? The answer: look within.
Encouraging Blossoms of Achievement
The tiny dogwood sapling was only a twig when my mother planted it years ago. At age four, with a red wagon and bucket, I was happy to carry water to anything that grew, even to the full grown flowering apple trees in my grandfather's orchard.
The blaring sound leapt under Jerry's skin and strangled him awake in an instant. His eyes popped open in terror and for a darkened moment he forgot where he was.
Patience - The Antidote for Stress
Why is it so difficult to hold steadfast to a commitment to the very thing we desire? I'm sure you've had the experience of challenging your client with something to do, or to be, in service of moving them closer to their heart's desire. As you reconvene again and again, you note that the client can't seem to stay committed to the steps that will realize their dreams. Certainly the age-old response is fear--but perhaps there is more going on.
5 Tips To Add More Spice To Your Life
1. Once a week, visit somewhere you've never been before. A city, town or village, a museum, a theater, a restaurant, café, or bar, a park, a zoo, a wood or forest ? get the idea? Visiting new places broadens your horizons and helps to keep life fresh and interesting.
When you realize that you really want to have an impact in this world, to make a difference, remember that it is in each moment that you are alive and in the present. When you are too busy worrying about what you don't have, what you have to do, where you've been, and what you don't have, you're not in the present; you're consumed by the past you can't change and the future that has yet to happen. There is no impact in either place.
Purpose filled Lives --The Big Picture!
"Can't see the forest because of the trees," heardit all my life, didn't really understand it untilI jumped out of a plane though.
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