Choicemaking: Self-Help Secrets Revealed
We all assume that making choices is a simple process. We seewhat's in front of us and we choose the best option. That's the way it goes in this choicemaking process.
But what if it were not that simple? Because, let's face it, people make the wrong choices everyday. The wrong girlfriend! The wrong boyfriend! The wrong destination! The wrong colors, andso on.
Choicemaking is not as simple as it may seem. Smokers continueto smoke. Drinkers continue to drink. Drug users continue to abuse. If making choices was so simple, then none of the above problems would exist, would they?
Look at your own life for a few moments.
See if all your choices have been wise ones. Is there a repeating choice occurring that still produces the same negative result? Why are you still making it?
When it comes to Life Choices, then we see that this process is not as simple as choosing the right candy, or movie, or other form of entertainment.
Truly FREE choicemaking is based on Personal Characteristics,Prehistory and Personal Awareness.
How aware are you of your Prehistory to determine why you may bemaking the same faulty choices over and over again?Why does a woman continue to choose the same type of abusive man?Why does a man continually succomb to the definitions and desires of others? There's no choice in such examples, only repeating patterns!
But the fact is: "There is choice!"
Choicemaking still goes on, even if it's outside our conscious awareness. A part of us is making choices based on - prehistory, old patterns or a familiar expectation like "I never get what I want" or, something similar.
These are some of the common denominators of Prehistory.
As a child you React to your environment. You adopt the Status Quo, that is, how things work in your family of origin. You make unconscious choices based on Survival Value. "If my dad always yells at me when I need something, then I won't "need" and won't ask anymore."
And you give up trying to get that Need Met! Repeat this a few dozen times and see how many things you have given up. And worse, you start convincing yourself "you don't really need it!"
The more dysfunctional your Family of Origin is, the more Reactive and Unconscious your choices tend to be. And this is the root of all negative choices.
Very few people would Consciously choose a situation or patternwith a guaranteed negative outcome. So called "common sense"is about hindsight and stating the obvious. The fact that so many choices are made at a subconscious level, cancels out any so-called fruitful effects of "common sense." Common Sense isn't so common after all.
Patterns return. Familiarity seems safer. Only because these are known.
Making a choice for a better Life is tatamount to a Crisis. It certainly is a Crisis for the Part of You that makes your unconscious choices! Some call this part your "survival side" or your "inner tyrant."
He, she, or It, has a big investment in maintaining Control. So you "doze off" or "go numb" when an important Critical Choice has to be made. You are still making a choice, only you are "choosing not to choose." And the necessary choice is relegated to your Unconscious Self.
You "allow" this unconscious "protector/controller" self to make the choice for you. And then, you see the Same Old Negative Result. Once again confirming "You Are the Victim of Forces Beyond Your Control!"
What has to happen on a conscious level for this pattern to change?
"Know Thyself" is the key phrase here. And this is no small order. Even well trained Psychologists can have a tyrannical unconscious self to deal with.
It is critical to get to the bottom of this though. One has to see that those unconscious choices: a) exist and; b) no longer work. What once had survival value, during childhood, has now become a detriment to your healthy development as an adult.
We've all had occasion to say: "he's acting like a child again." Or, "I felt like a child who needed her mother." These are common enough experiences for all of us to relate to.
The Primary Sign of True Adult Development is Emotional Maturity.
This includes the ability to make choices based on the evidence at hand, and not the "programs" from one's prehistory. True Freedom comes when one's childhood, hurtful past is laid to rest.
Freedom comes when we take hold of ourselves and declare: "I'm making the decisions from now on - not my old Childhood Self - not my Abused and Frightened Self - not my Victim Self, or any part of me that came into being before I could make conscious choices.
In a safe environment we grow up capable of making informedchoices. We are allowed to be ourselves.
In Dysfunctional Environments, Conscious Choicemaking is Absent.
We react. We resist. We counterattack. And we become passive-aggressive. We identify ourselves as victims, because we feelvictimized. And we make limited, uninformed choices based onthese stressful circumstances.
There's no such thing as a Free Choice here. Survival takes precendence. "What do I need do to survive this stress?" replaces "What choice would I like to make at this time?"
We come to believe that: "we are what is happening to us" - TheVictim - The Abused One - The Abandonned One, and so on.Name your Poisonous Identity.
These are factual results of various types of domestic tyranny.There are hundreds of self-help books addressing each one ofthese results.
How do You Change a Reactive Choice to a Free Choice?
You become aware of who you are. Of what happened to you asa child, and what you need now to correct this.
You make Conscious Choices to better your life. You seek out resources that will help you untie all these psychological and emotional knots. You Choose to open yourself up to the Inner You, the person you are, or could be, had none of the above happened.
You choose to get in touch with your full potential, and to cleanout all the garbage that no longer belongs. You are choosingYour Freedom!
This Could Be A Long Process Indeed.
What's your alternative? To live out your life as a patternof prepackaged reactions that were triggered by others? Or,to live your life as it could be, given what you now know aboutcleaning up messes?
I made my commitment 40 years ago, and I still work at it.But it's not so hard anymore, and I have had some fun alongthe way. I actually enjoyed untangling those knots.
As I needed certain things, they came along in one form oranother, a good Counselor, a Friend, many Great Books, an Inspiring Movie, and so on. As I learned to take responsibility and own my feelings, things improved. I improved. I got stronger. I benefitted from these conscious choices.
As I learned to overcome defeat and curtail negative self-references, I gained self-esteem.
As I realized that a part of me ( the tyrant) seemed programmedto harm me, I took away its power and claimed it for myself.
This Is The Hero's Journey From Mythology.
Into the Heart of Darkness we go, past the Guard Dog "Cerebus" (inner tyrant) to recover our Essential Self (innocent inner child), and become what we can be.
It is a long and difficult journey at times, but well worth it in the end. I wouldn't trade my journey for any other experience. That's the level of my commitment and the rewards that come with it.
Whatever it takes. Wherever I need to go. I'll do it. Because, I am worth it. AND SO ARE YOU!!!
Are you ready to commit to the Full Expression of yourBeing? Then Let's Get Moving!
Maurice Turmel has a PHD in Counseling Psychology and was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years. Self-Help issues are dealt with regularly in his monthly Ezine "The Self-Help Advisor." Dr. Turmel likes to use parable stories to illustrate important points. He has authored 3 books and is also a performing songwriter. He can be reached through his Website at: http://www.mauriceturmel.com
I Dont Like This
You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you, are you listening to what I am saying. It would have been much better if I would have done that myself. Now go.
Israel Is My Son
"And thou shalt say unto Pharoah, Thus saith the Lord, "Israel is my son, even my first-born. And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me;and if thou refuse to let him go, behold I will slay thy son, even thy first born(Exodus 4.22)."
Voices Inside My Head
Have you ever wanted to do something really major-something stupendous-something totally different and so down right incredible that the fact that you created the idea has you stimulated and excited?
Lisa was born into a loving Christian family and went through life knowing of The Lord and his supreme sacrifice. She was accustomed to Amazing Grace each Sunday and saying grace before meals. Lisa knew of the birth of baby Jesus; that worshippers came from far and wide bearing gifts. After all this was no ordinary birth.
Words Of Wisdom
Carlos' Words of Wisdom
Believe in Yourself!
A near middle-aged man in one of my last workshops had followed his calling for the past decade with unbounded zeal. Alas, his career had never developed into long-term employment but rather, was fraught with numerous set-backs, lay-offs and even dismissals. With five children to feed and his life passion now shelved this man faced depression and desperation.
Care And Maintenance Of The Human Hard Drive
The human brain is very much like a hard drive. If you stop to think of it, they are both filled with billions of tiny bits of information, stored in the memory cells just waiting to be accessed. They both use electrical energy to find those bits and put them together to recreate something that we have placed there. They work on demand, and we expect them to instantly give us what we want.
Doing the Remarkable
When it comes to meeting and conquering the negativity in your life, here is a key question: what can you do, starting today, that will make a difference? What can you do during economic chaos? What can you do when everything has gone wrong? What can you do when you've run out of money, when you don't feel well and it's all gone sour? What can you do?
How Four Words Can Enhance Your Life Of Prayer (Pray More In My Hectic Day? You Cant Be Serious)
"I would like to pray more. But ... how to find the time?"
Musicians Survival was Truly a Miracle: Singer Songwriter Fights for his Life
Every morning when singer-songwriter Michael Alan looks into the mirror and sees the surgical scar across his chest he is reminded of how lucky he is to be alive. Three years ago he suffered a major heart attack and a year after the episode he was required to have open-heart surgery. The heart attack caused physical disability and the onset of severe depression. In perspective his life evolved around a course of different therapeutic modalities for several years.
Pattern of Ripples
The Emmaus Journal
Using Appreciation to Make a Difference
When in 1996 a local Secondary School opened, the staff decided to create a tradition to prepare Christmas Hampers for those in need. Each advisory class (of around 18 students G9-12) would adopt a family to help out. The students only know how many in the family, ages of the children, and whether they have any food allergies. Every year, 65 ?70 hampers are delivered to families. Inside each hamper is a note from the school principal wishing the family a Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy new year. It explains how the hamper was put together by the students and adds (I quote) " We hope that this hamper will bring you joy at this special time of year as it was put together with much love and care"
Safety ? Are You OK?
Safety is an interesting concept. When we think of safety we almost intuitively think of its opposite, danger. Some people say that "our thoughts create our reality." I would differ with that in one important way. I would say our thoughts create our perception of reality or our interpretation of reality. That is not the same thing, but it is at least as important. Byron Katie says "Reality is kinder than our thinking."
The Rumble in the Jungle: Revealing Greatness
The other night I was watching a documentary on that famous boxing match called The Rumble in the Jungle. The fight was between Muhammad Ali (Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee) and George Foreman.
What Does it Take to Make Life Better?
What does it take for you to pay attention?
Body Calling: Eye Sight Cured Naturally
Lorenzo C. an inspiring young teenager who fell to the inevitable statistics of a major automobile accident. A victim in the back seat of his family's car that had been involved in an accident and their car lost control and hit a tree, crushing down on Lorenzo's side of the vehicle and on Lorenzo. Rushed to emergency care Lorenzo survived but suffered severe eye damage. After many months in cosmetic reconstruction and surgery doctor's final diagnosis was poor, if not null and void. Lorenzo's father went to all levels of research and help to restore his son's eyesight, to no avail. Then one day the father ran into an old friend, Professional Golfer, Justin Morris, who suggested Lorenzo take vitamin nutritionals and supplementations and one specifically referred to as Visionex. Lorenzo began taking them with his meals daily as a regular course of action, pretty much auto-pilot.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 10, 2003
Don?t Give Up!
Don't let anyone kid you. The road to self improvement and personal growth is not a short, straight, well-marked, paved highway. Looking back on my journey, I see a road meandering over hills and through valleys, around sharp curves and over muddy trails, with occasional boulders blocking my way. I can remember taking detours that took me off the beaten path and on to cow paths that wandered seemingly forever through the puckerbrush. It's been a long interesting journey.
Eight Choices You Can Make Today that Will Change Your Life Forever
The direction of our lives is determined by the choices we make every day. They accumulate and add up to our ultimate destiny. Here are eight choices you can make - choices that will create for you a life of abundance and prosperity in all areas of your life.
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