Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 24, 2003
My final divorce papers sit in front of me waiting for my signature. In fact, they've been sitting on my desk for five days now. It took me two days to even open the envelope and another full day to look at the actual documents. I still haven't entirely read through them. I cannot bring myself to sign.
Eight months ago, after months of emotional turmoil, we both agreed a divorce would be in our best interest. I was relieved at the time. I was tired of him drinking every night until he passed out on the sofa. I was tired of feeling belittled. I never quite healed from the affair I found out about, and I know there were others.
We were married eight years. I never felt I was his partner in life. I felt I was just another piece of furniture. We have two beautiful little boys who adore their daddy. They were a big reason for wanting this divorce. I didn't want them growing up thinking drinking on a daily basis is normal.
For years I wanted counseling. I would plead, "Let's go before our problems get out of control!" He insisted we didn't have anything we couldn't handle. By the time we made it to counseling it was too late. Besides, he refused to say he had an addiction.
I tell myself if he truly reaches out for help and remains changed for a year after our divorce, maybe we could try with a fresh start.
I heard a preacher say, "Fidelity is more than sexual fidelity. It is when every decision you make during the day is the best one for yourself, your spouse, and your children." Wayne and Tamara, that's the only relationship I want.
The papers still sit in front of me. How do I know I'm doing the right thing?
Felicity, what you are facing is the death of a dream, the dream of what your marriage was supposed to be like.
Faced with the choice of drinking or losing his family, your husband continues to drink. You may have every reason to hope he will change, but you have absolutely no reason to believe he will change.
Boys look to their father to show them how to be a man, and a drunk is someone who has clearly lost the way. Courts and the law have a simple view of the matter. They don't knowingly allow a child to be adopted in a family where one parent is an alcoholic. There are laws against drinking and driving. Perhaps there should be laws against drinking and parenting.
You cannot focus on your husband sobering up. That has always been only under his power, and never under yours. He may be 20 years from admitting his problem. He may never admit it. You can't put your life on hold waiting for someone to do what they may never do.
Tamara says she cannot even shop without having me in her mind. "Everything I lay my eyes upon," she says, "I lay my heart upon where lives my husband." Your mate has to be an enhancement to your life. It cannot be any other way.
I'm a 19-year-old male from Liverpool, England. I'm a decent looking lad, but since I broke up from my first serious relationship, I haven't met anyone else. Can you give me advice on meeting girls and actually asking them out?
Gunther, are you putting out vibes you are pining for your ex? Out with the old and in with the new.
Look around and start asking?to movies, to lunch, to a bookstore, to whatever you fancy. Follow your own interests and what you have a passion for, and remember this is not like school, where one grade follows another. Love doesn't follow anyone's schedule, and that is why it is so wonderful.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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A Word Fitly Spoken ~ Acceptance
A WORD FITLY SPOKEN
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From The Ashes
The man plopped down on his chair, defeated.
Ignorance and Fantasy
Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy? Consider the heavenly view of the world that young souls entertain at the height of their innocence, when their youth has been surrounded by love and filled with happiness. Hear their laughter. Dreams expand in a vacuity of knowledge like a laughing gas and induce the blindest, the purest joy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, because it spares us the mental restraints associated with knowledge (which reveals the limits of reality and hence the impossibility of our fantasies). It is the ultimate playground where the mind can build castles in the air, create a wonderland, and live delightedly in this kingdom of reverie. It paves the way for the reign of error, as it leaves us to believe whatever we like. Everything that is desirable is realizable, if not real, until we find evidence to the contrary. Santa Claus eventually dies of our old age ? when we are no longer so young, so green, that we are easily fooled by a tall story.
Live the Adventure!
Think of an adventure that you might like to take. Maybe it is a trip to a foreign country or a major destination in your own country. Maybe it is to climb a mountain or float down the Amazon. Whatever works for you, picture what that would take. Got it?
It's funny how an acquaintance from the past just pops into your head sometimes. Usually the flashback is brought on by a phrase someone says, or a thought you have. Today my particular flashback was induced by the words "this guy," which were uttered by one of the custodians where I work, as we passed in the hall.
Do You Have a Vision?
You must absolutely have a vision, or a dream, for your life.Your dream is what will cause you to jump out of bed in the morning instead of waking up with anxiety or dread for the day ahead.
The Tiniest of Gladiators
I stared into those biggest of navy blue eyes and felt the power ofhis fighting spirit, despite the pain and week long raging fever. Mostof the time my heart was in my throat and my mind was awash withcounter-productive thoughts like, "why him?" and "this isn't fair!"
Why are we trying so hard? It is like we are in a race to get somewhere and we don't even know where that is anymore. We have lost contact with spirit and the purpose we have given our lives and we are going around in circles chasing our tails.
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No More Frustration: The Thorns of Opportunity - Part II
The quest for the ultimate victory.
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And How Do We Feel This Morning?
Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a crack at his bank account. That is as it should be in such mercenary endeavors.
Where Did We Miss?
Talking with friends, people I meet on a regular basis, I realized that many of us make a bigger a deal of meditation than it actually is. For some people, meditation is somewhat of a discipline, and for others it's the discipline about meditation that makes them run away from it. People, organizations, and any other form of disciplinary establishment we look to for guidance, tell us that meditation is disciplinary in its formality and requires a certain set of rules.
A Brick Wall
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 18, 2003
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 21, 2003
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