Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 7, 2003.
I was married three months ago, and I think I may have married the wrong woman. What do I mean when I say that? I thought I was in love, and while I have strong feelings of friendship and goodwill toward her, I feel I am alone in this relationship.
There is an odd feeling of disconnection and an inability to get to a state of real meaning with her. This has existed all through our relationship. "What's for dinner?" and " I need to wash the car" are about as deep as I can get with her. We can't share dreams, since I know her only dream is to have children and "be happy."
I am looking to other avenues for stimulation, reading more books, talking to old friends, and still trying to chip into my wife's world. I care for her, I don't want to hurt her, and both sets of in-laws love us. Yet I sit here and wonder why I married her.
Oliver, you have a huge decision to make. And soon. The sooner the better. You need to decide if you can stay married before your wife starts working on her dream of having children and being happy.
Perhaps the following letter will influence your decision.
Wayne & Tamara
I've been married 19 years, nearly all of them unhappy. I knew after three months I'd made a mistake, but divorce was and is not an option. I love my in-laws, we have three children we both adore, and my husband is the primary wage earner.
We believe God can work miracles. I just don't know if it'll happen in our case. Over the years we've been to five different counselors. Seven years ago my husband checked out of the marriage and had an affair.
After a separation of two years we reconciled, which really was a miracle, and had our third child. I am at the point now where I just cannot stand my husband. We have not slept in the same room for two years, and there is no intimacy on any level. There is no one in my life I feel this level of anger with.
I have felt from the beginning he does not listen to me! Because I am not listened to, I don't feel respected. I am a Type A person, conscientious, hardworking and concerned about others. He's a friendly person who likes to make others laugh. He's a charmer but basically lazy.
I made the choice to stay in this marriage. It is the practical thing to do, and divorce does not bring all the answers. I'm happiest when he is away. I often think how life would be easier if he were just dead. How do I get rid of all the bitterness? How do I start to like my husband again, much less love him?
Clarisse, you are asking for help and tying our hands. That is like going to a doctor and saying, "It can't be a broken leg." Sometimes it is a broken leg. What you tried for 19 years hasn't worked.
You don't "believe" in divorce. Hardly anybody does. But if you believe fidelity, love, and happiness need to be in a marriage, then you have to believe in divorce, because without those things you don't have a marriage.
It is not selfish to want love, fidelity, and affection. They are human necessities. Think about the kind of marriage you have shown your children. Are you training them not to "believe" in divorce, even if they know after three months they made a mistake?
You have been miserable for 19 years. In addition to five counselors, we'll bet you've also read dozens of books and hundreds of newspaper and magazine articles. When you have tried all other avenues, you need to reconsider what you haven't tried.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 7, 2003.
The Amazing Destructive Power of Tradition
After more than thirty years of studying the Bible I can say with full assurance that Jesus Christ never contradicted himself. There is one instance where it would seem that he did but after careful examination I found that rather than a contradiction it ends up being more of an enigma.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 8, 2002
I.Q. You Q. He, She, or It Qs.
I have, in recent years, come to believe that IQ tests are a waste of time for most of us, and a waste of money for some of us. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, if you want to know how stupid you are, check to see if you're paying for an online IQ test.
The Nature of Anger
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk
Create 10 Delightful Daily Habits
Practising extreme self-care in our life involves practising good "daily" habits.Daily habits involve more than just exercising and eating right. They include all the things that bring us enjoyment and delight.
Are We There Yet?
In a recent disaster, a man was asked why he wouldkeep searching for a loved one, even when he knewthere was little hope of any survivors. He was toldrepeatedly, the chances of finding anyone still alivewere very slim.
Nuthin but Blue Skies
"Welcome to Canada," Ken shouted to me over the roar of the rain and thunder. A constant downpour kept the photography workshop indoors. We slipped out during a break in the clouds, but as soon as we set up our tripods, a thunderstorm swept in out of nowhere and sent us scurrying back down the mountain trail to our cars. Since I signed on for this tour of the Canadian Rockies, everything had gone right.
Eight Choices You Can Make Today that Will Change Your Life Forever
The direction of our lives is determined by the choices we make every day. They accumulate and add up to our ultimate destiny. Here are eight choices you can make - choices that will create for you a life of abundance and prosperity in all areas of your life.
The Power of Notes
Notes are very powerful. They express your thanks, encouragement, sympathy, apology, congratulations, feelings, and requests to others.
Israel Is My Son
"And thou shalt say unto Pharoah, Thus saith the Lord, "Israel is my son, even my first-born. And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me;and if thou refuse to let him go, behold I will slay thy son, even thy first born(Exodus 4.22)."
The Ant Philosophy
Over the years I've been teaching kids about a simple but powerful concept - the ant philosophy.
Random Thoughts on Living Your Best Life
More things I've noticed along the way:
Good Morning... Please...Thank-you!!
When I was a child, I remember that my parents instilled these words into my brain. At first, it seemed difficult to remember these 3 little phrases and I had to be constantly reminded of them. But soon they became an ingrained part of me, and my parents no longer had to remind me of when to use these words. They still remain a very large part of who I am. Some people say I am an extrovert, yet at times I know I am shy and can be an introvert (although my friends will find this hard to believe-ha!). So, if you are a shy person and you make these 3 phrases a constant part of your vocabulary---you will fool people into thinking you are an extrovert.
Most people like movies. Some, like me, are enthralled by them. I am sure that making a movie is a lot of work; but to me, it seems like it must be the most fun in the world. I especially love movies that I can get so caught up in that they become real; so real that I forget that I am watching a movie. I fantasize about becoming an actor/director in a movie that I have scripted.
Dont Die With Your Dreams Still Inside You
I write and talk a lot about dreams. Primarily because I know we serve an awesome and amazing God, who gave us dreams for an awesome and amazing purpose. We all have a dream to do something great, go somewhere incredible, achieve the unachievable, beat the unbeatable or meet the "unmeetable." Unfortunately, more often than not, most dreams remain unrealized; silenced by fear and doubt. What's needed is a renaissance to recapture the spirit and belief we once had as children. We need to remind ourselves in all that we desire to be, have and do... "I can, if I believe I can." My aim is to inspire as many people as possible to passionately pursue and do their dreams. Revitalize your dreams. Start today. Don't just dream; dream BIG dreams! Put them in your heart, then put them on the wall, refrigerator, mirror ... wherever you'll see them often. Remind yourself you are more than worthy of everything your heart ever imagined. Believe, then diligently commit to a plan to achieve.Resolve to live a life that ends the way you want it to; and don't you dare, I say don't you dare... die with your dreams still inside you.
Take Out Time -- To Just Be Thankful
While sitting here tonight, watching the conclusion of "There Are No Children Here," my heart pulsated as I heard a little innocent boy say, "When I wake up in the morning, I feel good that God gave me another chance to stay alive." This statement as innocent as it was, was true to him because of where he lived, and the lethal possibilities that he faced daily of being killed by someone's bullet.
I Dont Like This
You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you, are you listening to what I am saying. It would have been much better if I would have done that myself. Now go.
7 Strategies To Make Room For Money
Laws of the Attraction notwithstanding, there are several external ways that you can make room for more money in your life.
Super Mom, Wonder Woman, Energizer Mommy or Just Mom
Have you ever sat down to watch the evening news and flashes a News Report about a woman that died with 100 cats, house full of trash and stacks of newspapers to fill 100 dump trucks? In my single days, I use to live by a lady like this. The entire neighborhood would talk about her but none of us ever went over there to see if she needed anything or if I could help her clean her house. We just talked about how could she let her house go that way.
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