Addicted To Her
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 4, 2003
I dated a woman I work with for four years. In both our minds we were soul mates. A year and a half ago she broke it off. I never found out the real reasons.
After we broke up she would still tell me she loved me and we were soul mates. Of course at the same time she was dating another man, a married man. But it's worse than that. In college this guy stalked her--her words, not mine. Now, of course, she'll claim he was "just observing me."
She is still dating him. He is still married. He lives a few hours drive away so it's easy for him to hide the fact he hasn't filed divorce papers yet. In fact, I know he and his wife just refinanced their house, yet my girlfriend is convinced he'll marry her one day.
But wait, there's more. To this day she asks me to lunch every day, calls me "babe," touches me affectionately, and talks about vacations together. When I'm on travel, she calls once or twice a day. At her request, we're seeing a therapist to resolve our trust issues, but not to reconcile.
It's difficult to say my hands are clean here, but I am truly concerned. Everything I've read suggests there is nothing but pain and heartache down the road for her, and I've worked hard to change my shortcomings through therapy, reading, and action.
If things were right, I would like to begin anew with her. I've tried the approach of moving on and seeing other women. She knows enough to be jealous of these women, but it has no effect. How do I approach it without blowing my chances?
Dieter, a few years ago when we were guests on a radio call-in show in Los Angeles, a man called and asked what to do about his soul mate. He knew she was having an affair, he said, because he had hired a private detective who found the evidence.
If what you and that man have is a soul mate, what do you call a couple who love each other to the exclusion of all others?
What you really have is a woman who finds some benefit in letting you fantasize about her while she tries to land another man. You are not ready to accept our answer, but what you have is more like an addiction.
The only cure for an addiction is to remove yourself from both the substance you are addicted to and the environment in which your addiction flourishes.
Wayne & Tamara
Recently my wife announced it was time for us to "make a decision about having a baby." This announcement blind-sided me, because I have always been perfectly clear on this matter. I only want kids if they are sautéed correctly.
All my friends and all my relatives know my aversion to children. The reasons behind my feelings are varied, but this has never been a gray area for me. My wife, on the other hand, says that "my future involves having a family," implying in no uncertain terms that she is going to have children with or without me.
This seems to be an irreconcilable situation. What are your thoughts?
Chad, not everyone makes a good parent. People like you, who recognize this early on, shouldn't have children. You made it perfectly clear before the wedding, and you thought she accepted this fact.
Your wife has a right to have children, but not with a man she knew never wanted to be a parent. Your dark humor expresses the seriousness of your convictions. Since you know you do not want children, it is your responsibility to make sure you don't father a child.
Your wife is right that it is time to make a decision, but the issue is your future together.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 24, 2003
The Meaning of Life - Not Just Another Dust in the Wind Theory
I grew up in the south in the 1960's. Married when I was 18 and joined the Army when I was 23. I traveled to Germany then back to the states where I lived in Connecticut for a while and then Tennessee for 10 years. I am now living in Maine.
Do You Suffer From The Chef Personality?
As a chef I have a unique perspective on anger.
It is hard to capture the synchronicity of this next post. I can only assure you that I was working on integrating these things for this book and this post from a healer came through in answer to my directed thought or intent-ional request. Intent is a vital element of magical operations. Here is my response to this post I believe helped me integrate these thoughts.
Tighten Your Connection
It was my first and last experience with a pneumatic drill, which is a jackhammer with a star bit instead of a chisel bit. We four volunteers were to dig a septic tank for the caretaker's house at a Christian camp. After three feet of digging we hit bedrock--pre-Cambrian limestone. That's when they showed us how to use the drill.
Inspired Intuition - Following Your Inner Voice
"Some people call the still, small voice insight or intuition?Our insight is a gift from God, not to be taken lightly or for granted... If we acknowledge that the voice doesn't just pop up in our mind like some haphazard jack-in-the-box, that it is available to us always, we have the most important source of assistance in building our dreams. We can turn random intuition into regular inspired insight." From Building Your Field of Dreams by Mary Manin Morrissey
Why My Wife Is My Hero
My name is Chas Brothers. Many of you know me as an author of motivational articles directed towards both big and small business alike. As writers, we draw upon our knowledge and experience to offer our readers the one or two things they may need to inspire them to greatness.
How I Get Joy as a Value
*In the last couple of months, I have been fortunate to be able to share the troubles of others. Why fortunate? I believe that the ability to be very close to the pain and fears of others has allowed me to realize how utterly fantastic my life is.
Begin With the End In Mind - Tips to Make Your Life More Meaningful
What would you change if you knew you would be dead in 1 day? Would you spend more time at work, pouring over budget figures, and trying to figure out how you were going to make this quarter's numbers? Would you read just 1 more e-mail from a complaining co-worker? Would you check your voicemail one last time? What would your obituary say about your life?
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 25, 2003
Flaming Fire Within Our Bones
Jeremiah was certainly one of the most distinguished notables of the Old Testament. To read his messages and experiences is to become acquainted with a great servant of God. I believe he revealed more of his inner feelings and personal reactions toward God and man, than did any other prophet or prophetess in Old Testament times. He was a young man of approximately 21 years of age when he accepted his divine calling to minister to the nations.
Create 10 Delightful Daily Habits
Practising extreme self-care in our life involves practising good "daily" habits.Daily habits involve more than just exercising and eating right. They include all the things that bring us enjoyment and delight.
Inspirations: Even More Things Ive Noticed Along the Way So Far
Some people live in and talk about the past so much it's as if they are "planning for the past."
The Miracle of Personal Development
One day Mr. Shoaff said, "Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job."
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003
Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 9, 2004
Do We Really Want to Be There Yet
The beauty in creation is in the process, in every single step along the way.
Super Mom, Wonder Woman, Energizer Mommy or Just Mom
Have you ever sat down to watch the evening news and flashes a News Report about a woman that died with 100 cats, house full of trash and stacks of newspapers to fill 100 dump trucks? In my single days, I use to live by a lady like this. The entire neighborhood would talk about her but none of us ever went over there to see if she needed anything or if I could help her clean her house. We just talked about how could she let her house go that way.
Fulfilling Your Dreams: The Magic Of Starting
Fulfilling your dreams will remain a mirage if you simply sit down and dream on.
About Self Love
1. How do I love myself?
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