Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 29, 2003
I am a 28-year-old Indian lady. I am in love with a 30-year-old Indian guy for the last four years. We share many interests in common and get along well. We are both Ph.D. students.
The problem is the different communities to which we belong. We have a very complex social system and are allowed to marry only the person who belongs to our own community (caste). He belongs to a higher community than mine.
My boyfriend feels he would never be able to convince his parents for the marriage, nor has he attempted this. He strongly believes he would not be happy if he hurts his parents, so two years ago he asked me to stop contacting him. It was very painful for me, but at the same time I realized I cannot force him into a relationship.
We live in separate towns now. Until two months ago we had absolutely no contact, then he started contacting me. I know from his letters he is frustrated and lonely. Even though I stopped communicating with him, I love him with all my heart and cannot think of life with another man.
I answered his letters, which are mostly about academics, and never asked him why he broke up with me. I haven't discussed my future with him nor he with me. Things look so uncertain I am confused. Should I continue with him or not?
Reeta, there are many reasons why people feel they are better than other people. A religious person might say we are full of pride, and our pride makes us want to feel superior. A scientist might say we are primates and primates arrange themselves in dominance hierarchies. But the reasons for social differences don't matter.
What matters is that you are revisiting a round of pain this man caused you two years ago. You are a bright, educated woman worthy of a man's love. Though you may care for him and he may care for you, he is letting something other than love make his choices.
He is not offering you marriage or apologizing for cutting you out of his life two years ago. He is wheedling his way back into your life in the same wheedling way he left it. He is coming back because he is lonesome, not because he is ready to defend you as the woman he loves.
When a person cannot swim, it doesn't mean they can jump in the water two years later unless something has changed. You need to tell him that.
If he hasn't changed, you are indulging yourself in something which can only cause you pain. If you give him a shoulder to cry on, all you are likely to get is a wet shoulder.
Wayne & Tamara
The Open Road
My name is June, and I have a friend, Mary. Mary is 45 and very overweight. We ride our Harleys together all the time. Mary wears her shirts tied up in a big knot, and her huge tummy sticks out. It is very, very unattractive and very embarrassing to me.
I watch people stare, I hear their comments, and I hate it. I'm five feet tall, petite, and I don't even wear my clothes like that. How can I talk to her without hurting her feelings?
June, perhaps the essence of riding a Harley is freeing yourself from scripts of conduct and norms of behavior. We all long to be free of a closed caste system where everyone knows our place. We long to express our uncensored individual self. That is what Mary gets out of riding her Harley.
You can't tell her what you feel without hurting her feelings. But letting go of the feeling that you are responsible for another's actions will give you the feeling of freedom Mary feels as she rides her motorcycle.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
You Are a Beautiful Person
I wish that I could tell every person that I meet that he or she is a beautiful person--and have them believe it. I wish I could look them in the eyes and tell them of their beauty and have them accept the words for what they truly are--the truth, plain and simple.
Change is difficult for many people. Often times our whole identity is wrapped up in what we've learned as children will work for us when dealing with people, allowing us to survive, thrive and fit in. While some people have had to learn to thrive in the midst of change and learned to be adaptable by being open to new ideas and embracing change, many others have had to fight for survival and every table-scrap that came their way. Behavior is learned and it takes work to unlearn and dismantle these old beliefs.
Whats Your Reason For Waiting?
The fever had been high late into the night, but at 2:30 A.M., it broke. The little girl's mother breathed out in relief. She'll be O.K. in the morning, she thought.
Inspired Intuition - Following Your Inner Voice
"Some people call the still, small voice insight or intuition?Our insight is a gift from God, not to be taken lightly or for granted... If we acknowledge that the voice doesn't just pop up in our mind like some haphazard jack-in-the-box, that it is available to us always, we have the most important source of assistance in building our dreams. We can turn random intuition into regular inspired insight." From Building Your Field of Dreams by Mary Manin Morrissey
A Lesson From A Hum Of A Bamboo Clump
Have you heard a nature hymn? For example, a whir of ting-a-ling-a-ling sound yielded by bamboo leaves when wind blows to its clump? If you have an opportunity to visit a bamboo garden, try to listen to its hymn. The trees of a bamboo clump will sing along with the wind.
Heavy Weather Guide
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 26, 2004
By Now, Im an Expert at Memory Loss
I sat down to write my weekly humor column, but I just could not remember what I wanted to write about. This seems to be an increasingly more common affliction, ever since I turned 40. For instance, like most people over 40, I often can't remember my age.
I.Q. You Q. He, She, or It Qs.
I have, in recent years, come to believe that IQ tests are a waste of time for most of us, and a waste of money for some of us. In fact, as a general rule of thumb, if you want to know how stupid you are, check to see if you're paying for an online IQ test.
Do You Suffer From The Chef Personality?
As a chef I have a unique perspective on anger.
Just Think of Kyle!
This morning at 5:22am to 6am, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is an understatement considering I am still crying and it's like 7:15am. I am at work typing away.
A Brick Wall
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 18, 2003
Circles On The Water ? The Impact You Make On People?s Lives
When you were a child, or maybe even when you were older, did you ever toss a pebble into the water and watch the ripples that emanated from the point where it broke the surface? Or watched the effect of raindrops falling on a body of water? I have done these things and have since found myself pondering on this process, and just how much it can be compared to our lives.
Charity ? Give To Receive!
We all know the truism that "charity begins at home." Does it? And what is charity about, anyway? Is it just a square on a Monopoly game to you or is it a regular practice of giving from your abundance to those in need?
Create Your Own Self Esteem - Part 2
The good part of this story is that there is now hope to end and effectively reverse the effects of all negative emotions that we individually and collectively experience in our lives. Now we come back to the word reversal I spoke about earlier. The process of choosing to end and to reverse the effects of negative emotions is what I call having Esteem for the Self! By this I mean that as you engage the contents of this book from a sincere and real desire to accept what it has to offer you are choosing to "love" your Self. And loving the Self is really the same as having the highest form of Esteem for the Self, which is You.
You Are So Unreal
Mankind's ability to give life to lifeless objects, gives rise to much of the grief and frustration that he brings upon himself. He animates, or humanizes all sorts of things and other creatures, then believes in his mind that they are human.
The Interactive Holodeck is For Real
I Dont Like This
You always do this wrong, how many times would I have to tell as to how to do the thing right, don't you understand to what I say, I am talking to you, are you listening to what I am saying. It would have been much better if I would have done that myself. Now go.
Nurture Your Heart
Pregnant with her first child, Jill could barely contain her excitement over the dreams and hopes she cherished for her unborn baby, whom she had already named Mara (she was so sure it was a girl). She practiced the lullabies she would sing as she nursed Mara close to her breast. She imagined how Mara's eyes would light up on Christmas mornings. She dreamt of Mara's first day at school, her first date, and her college graduation. She even imagined how Mara might look in her wedding gown.
I stepped up to the edge and looked down. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath... and jumped in head first.
A Prison Cell?
Do you have a goal? A focus in life? Have you invested a great deal of time, effort, money to achieve and yet feel you haven't made it yet? For all your effort do you still feel that there is something missing in your life? It is obviously very important to set goals in your life. It gives you a focus a way forward a mechanism for making decisions when faced with a number of options. However, it can also be a prison cell.
|© Athifea Distribution LLC - 2013|