Myth And Reality
Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 2, 2004
I am at a complete loss about what to do with my mother-in-law to be. In a nutshell, she's verbally abusive. She treats my fiance like a child, and yet he is 30. She calls me stupid. He has put up with this behavior all his life and won't stand up to her. I love my fiance, but if this is how it's going to be the rest of our lives, I'm having second thoughts.
She's an unreasonable person who throws a fit whenever people don't do things her way. I've done my best to keep peace with her. I treat her kindly and do my utmost to be respectful and listen to her.
I know I need to be more assertive and set some boundaries, in a kind manner of course. I believe in treating others with respect no matter the difficulty of the situation. Sadly, she could care less about others' feelings. My fiance's a wonderful guy, but how do I deal with his mom? When we announce our engagement, she's going to go ballistic.
Danielle, in mythology Venus was Psyche's mother-in-law. Venus decreed she would not accept Psyche as a daughter-in-law unless she performed several preposterous tasks.
Great quantities of wheat, lentils, peas, poppy seeds, barley, and millet were mixed together, and Psyche had to sort them by nightfall. Aided by an army of ants, Psyche did it. Another task required Psyche to fetch water from a mountain spring guarded by dragons. Again Psyche succeeded, this time helped by an eagle.
You are writing to us as if we command magical power. We don't. You want to treat this woman as you have been, yet you want her to change. The first time "stupid" came out of her mouth the issue should have been addressed. Ground rules need to be set from the start.
Pretend you are her. Why should she change? You treat her with respect . She is doing a better job of teaching you than you are of teaching her. Turning the other cheek is not appropriate because it will not stop or correct her behavior. When the food is unpalatable, you send it back to the chef.
Have your boyfriend agree to stay on the sidelines, then confront his mother each time she crosses the line of acceptable behavior. If this problem isn't solved before you marry, heed your second thoughts.
I can't believe I'm writing for advice, but I think the time has come. I have been intimately involved with my lover for two years. She has been in a relationship with another woman for eight years.
Needless to say, I am the other woman in her life. I am at the point where I want to end our relationship. My problem is I don't know how. We started out as friends and have had so many fun times together I'm scared of losing that. I don't want to hurt her, but I am mature and wise enough to know the entire situation seems to be a lost cause.
My lover tells me I am trying to put a time limit on when we will be together, but after two years I feel I have the right to know what the future holds for me but there are no answers.
Susannah, Tamara often says, "What most letters boil down to is the letter writer is unwilling to do the hard thing." There's no point in giving you an answer because you already know the answer. But the right answer is the hard thing.
When a relationship is going nowhere, you need to end it. Continuing takes away the opportunity of finding the right person. In addition, ending a wrong relationship gives you the courage to end wrong relationships in the future. It is hard to choose uncertainty, but that is where potential happiness lies.
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 27, 2003
The Importance of Friendship
My students and clients have constantly heard me stress that our Martial Art is more than just a physical discipline; that it is a discipline that develops both the mind and body. This is so important that Soke Masaaki Hatsumi, the grand master of our lineages, has made it the primary thrust of just about every one of his books about Ninpo and Martial Arts in general.
Anam Chara - Healing the Heart Matters
Are you prepared to make your heart matter? Are you prepared to feel whole, happy and healed of any heartache?
Just Let ?Em Go!
I remember when I was just a little guy probably about 4 or 5 years old, I was fascinated by snakes. Not any particular type of snake ? just snakes in general. I remember being really curious about how they could move around so easily without any legs or feet. I remember liking the colors on the garter snakes that slithered through our Nebraska summer garden.
Healing The Abandonment Wounds
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I've worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.
Win Your Own Lotto
When people talk about enrichment, they are usually thinking of financial enrichment. (Show me the money!) But, we can enrich many other aspects of our lives too such as: spiritual, mental, physical, and social, as examples. Winning the multi-dollar lotto is not impossible, but are you spending your life waiting for your fortune to come to you? For those of you that feel powerless at work, you have more control over your destiny than you think you do.
Everyone Has Been Hurt ....Part 6
Trust Yourself ? The Hero?s Way!
Buying a VCR may not seem like a noteworthy purchase in a high-tech world yet it proved to be a worthy blessing offering much learning. Boxes filled with VHS recordings were unearthed from dark recesses where they had hidden for over a decade.
Accept Every Invitation
How often do you decline an invitation because you have something else you would rather do? Or you're not crazy about the person asking you to join? Or you're not interested in that type of event? Or you feel like doing nothing? ...
What Company Does Your Business Keep?
A man is known by the company he keeps. We have heard that phrase so many times. Our folks have cautioned us often with that in our silly childhood. Do we heed to that advice in our business? Where do you hang out? What is your business surrounded by?
Self Talk: What Do You Say When You Talk to Yourself?
You have just completed a major work project before the deadline. Having worked diligently and spending your own time, you're proud of the results and can't wait to impress your boss. You show him the project and he immediately begins to criticize it and you. The criticism is completely unwarranted. What do you say to yourself? "I've failed again" or "He must be having a bad day, I know I did an excellent job"?
The Monkey With The Wooden Apples
There once was a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired. One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples. He took one in each hand and ran back into the forest.
A Life Touched
Direct Answers - Column for the week of February 17, 2003
Overcoming Fear of Terrorism
This week I did a radical thing. I bought a newspaper.
According to the Buddhists, between January 29 and February 12 is the worst time of the year. "Don't start anything new during this ending period," they advise. "It won't last." February, however, can be a great time to meditate on new beginnings. But what if you have no direction? What if you are STUCK?
Where Do You Go For Your Intellectual Feast?
(excerpted from Leading an Inspired Life)
A Pickup Line
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 11, 2002
Reach Your Dreams
About fifteen years ago I was rummaging through some old boxes in my basement when I discovered a stack of poems that I had written during my childhood. As I began reading, I discovered a long-forgotten world ? one that sang with romance, adventure, and mystery. It was a world of princesses, heroes, and castles, where the princess was always rescued and the dragon always slain.
Navigating The Squeeze
Today more than ever before, we are witnessing a crises of consciousness over the validity of war versus the power of humility, integrity, understanding and diplomacy. Simultaneously those who are spiritual seekers ponder the purpose and mission of their immortal souls.
Iron Man Inspiration - Raise The Ceiling On What You Can Achieve
The Florida Iron Man involves swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 miles and running 26.2 miles. It is one of the toughest sporting competitions in the world.
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