Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse
I looked at my father for the last time before he was finally laid to rest. And I said to myself, "I forgive you father".
I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten the turmoil, terror and abuse that I went through.
My father was working away most of the time when I was growing up. But when he was home, he was violent.
I remembered crying in the middle of the night listening to him beating up my mother. I could hear her sobs. And I wept because I could not do anything about it.
I was terrified of him. We were not supposed to do any thing wrong according to his terms. When I was six years old he pushed my head so hard onto the floor. I still have the scar on my forehead.
When my mother was diagnosed with depression, the four of us siblings had to move and we lived with him. He hired someone to take care of us while he was away at work.
There was so much fear in us when he was back. My father was so angry with one of my brother's one day that he turned him upside down and wanted to throw him off. I watched that episode with horror.
From then on, I tried not to make any mistake. I wept inside because he did not want to hear any whimper. And I continued watching him vent his anger on the rest of my siblings.
When my father divorced my mother, I did not know how to feel or react. My mother was back with us but her depression kept relapsing. We were neglected.
I found solace from friends at school. I enjoyed reading stories and literature. I spent my time in the school library. There was no home sweet home.
My mother could not take care of me. My father took me away to live with his new family. It did not work out. I was sent to a welfare home.
I did not deserve to be abandoned but I was helpless. I was mad with my father. I was not angry with my mother but I just did not understand why she had to be sick.
Until recently, I did not want to admit that my childhood affected me emotionally and mentally. I have brought the memories of bygone age along into my daily existence.
In all my relationships, everything went well until my partners suggested on serious commitments. I would then sabotage the relationships.
I was not able to open up to anyone. I was very defensive when given any advice or opinion on my attitude and behavior.
When there were arguments, I clamped up or walked off. I never wanted to face any issues and resolve them.
And I would not cry in front of anyone no matter how sad or hurt I was. I remembered a time when my sister was badly wounded and hospitalized. I did not want anyone to see me cry. I walked away and cried my heart out alone in a secluded place.
I excelled in my career by putting in lots of hours and efforts. Now I realized that it was one way of escaping reality. I kept myself so busy so that I do not notice things that needed attention. I was using work as a means to avoid commitments.
There was one thing that I gained from the experience of being abandoned. I was able to sit quietly alone for hours and reflect.
It has developed my fascination on nature's beauty. I love the feel of the wind blowing on my face. I enjoy watching the rain falling. And no matter how bad the weather is, it is still beautiful.
I became curious about many things. I questioned others and myself about life and how some things happen to certain people. I wondered why people behave the way they do. I looked for the answers.
I have developed the strength to persevere. But that is not enough. I want to become a survivor who is able to balance her life and enjoy the abundance that the universe has to offer.
I have decided to break myself free from the shackles of my fragile upbringing. I promise myself that I will not allow my past to continue ruining my future.
Fatimah Musa provides information, tips and quotes to help people become aware that any future growth starts with their personal growth. You can visit Fatimah at http://www.about-personal-growth.com
Such Love Transforms
Everything was arranged: once the funeral was over, all were to go to Hephzibah's house for the after-funeral dinner. It was the way things were done in Nain, typical of the customs followed by citizens of the Jewish towns of the Galilee.
Basic Buddhism - Doing What is Right
I find of particular interest in the Eastern Religions many threads that survive in other, later, belief systems. Not only do they survive in textual fact, but they seem to be super relevant to New Age and reformed movements. I speak especially of Right Action, Positive Thought, Positive Action, seeing only Good in all things and all people and believing in a Oneness.
The difficulty in finding love that is good for you stems from the same difficulty you have loving yourself. For those who believe in God or a higher power, to not love yourself is to not love the very source of your existence. To not trust yourself is to not trust the source of all life. To not forgive and have compassion for yourself is to not have forgiveness and compassion for others created from the same source. What is this source? Call it what you will, all matter comes from energy and all energy comes from Source. Leave the scientists and religious thought leaders left to their devices to try and explain that. You focus on your relationship, to self and to source.
The Seasons of Life, Part 1 of 5
Life is about constant, predictable patterns of change. For the six thousand years of recorded history, as humans have entered this world, received parental instruction, classroom instruction, and gathered the experience of life; many have set for themselves ambitious goals, and dreamed lofty dreams.
Anam Chara - Wishing Versus Wanting
There is an old saying, which warns, "be careful for what you wish because you may get what you want."
What To Do When You Dont Know What To Do
It is often difficult to know exactly what to do. This is especially true when you decide to stop being a creature of habit and circumstance and decide instead to live a life of purpose and meaning. It may sound strange that deciding to live purposefully can leave you without a sense of direction. But it often does. Imagine that you always take the same route to work and then one day, you wake up and decide that you are going to take another road. Ah, but which one? And does it actually go where you want to end up. That's the quandary.
Moral Obligation & Responsibility
Chances are you have seen some type of disturbance in your lifetime. Whether it was a bully picking on someone or a piece of trash on the ground, disturbances happen daily on several different levels. Some people address them and others wait or assume someone else will handle the situation.
Make Mistakes! Its Okay - Really!
When you fall, do you get right back up? Do you learn from your mistake and move on? Or do you kick yourself so hard in the butt that you just mope around for days in your PJs and wonder why you're so miserable? Come on! Get a grip!
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 7, 2003.
A Rush Home to Rapture
Riding a rush, being juiced, flying high-this is the feeling we strive for every day.
?Back to CYA on a Mission?
Six former wards came back to the California Youth Authority (CYA) earlier this month. This time they volunteered to return. They were on a mission to deliver a message to the wards at N.A. Chaderjian Youth Correctional Facility, which houses California's most violent youth offenders ages 18-24. The diverse panel of ex-convicts purposefully stepped through the fences of Chaderjian as law-abiding citizens. They each wore visitor's passes clipped on their shirts and security alarms attached to their belts for their safety in the event that a riot "kicked off".
Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life
What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ways of thinking and being on the inside. These have to do with your attitude and your intent.
20 Ways To Improve Your Life
People often ask me how they can improve their lives.
Have a Green Day, Every Day!
Green symbolises growth. Growth requires change and transformation. This article will help you reach your maximum potential. You can have a green day, every day!
Anamchara - Living a Meaningful Life
At some stage of living your life you will ask the question "What does it mean to be here?"
Maybe Im Amazed at the Way you Love Me all the Time
In Corrogue I am amazed
Succeed by Whistling While You Work
Mark Twain (1835-1910) believed that having fun is important if you want to be successful.
Growing up, I remember my Dad had some really good friends. They had the most amazing, positive and magnetic energy. Arguably, they were also among the "coolest" of their time. One in particular, is not only admired by me, but by countless others who affectionately know him as, "Big O." "Big O" is called "Big O" for several reasons. The most obvious; he's big! Two, his first name is Orin. And three, his son, Orin, Jr., is nicknamed, "Little O."
Nothing To Celebrate
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 12, 2002
Dont Let The Door Hit You Where The Good Lord Split You!
I knew precisely what I wanted. I felt that success was only inches away. The excitement in my body was beginning to feel like electricity surging through my veins. Watching the events, as they unfolded, from the prevailing conditions my spirit was screaming; "Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you." So, guess what?
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