Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 1, 2003
I met my wife a dozen years ago and her best friend shortly thereafter. I was always fond of my wife's friend. We all shared a good deal of time together through our college years and now into our thirties. She is married with two children as are we.
We live in the same town, our families spend a good deal of time together, and I'm good friends with her husband. My problem is I cannot stop thinking about her. I'll go out of my way to be with her. I dream about her nearly every night.
I am physically attracted to her but no more than to any other good looking 30-year-old. My wife and I have a good relationship physically and emotionally. So what the heck is going on? What should I do?
I can't break off all contact. Our families are much too close, and everybody will want to know why. I think telling my wife will only get her upset. So I am stuck with feelings I can't tell anybody about, and I can't think of any way to correct my situation.
Robin, there are many ways to alter the course of a life. For example, you could rob a bank. You could pass a note to a teller that says, "Give me all your money." That would change the course of your life, but it's not a very productive method and neither is this fantasy.
Nowhere do you state this woman has a romantic interest in you. She seems to be an innocent puppet in a play you're staging in your mind. In fact, her reaction to an actual overture may turn your dream into a nightmare. If you tell your wife, it may change the way she looks at you forever.
A huge amount of mental energy is flowing toward this other woman. Why? What is wrong with the rest of your life that your thoughts flow there? That is where you need to look. Your wife's best friend is a diversion from something you need to face up to.
It could be your career is not going where you wanted. It could be something else. But before you take any more steps down fantasy road, focus on what you really think about your life, your job, and your family.
The dream you had for life is not turning out as you hoped, and that is why you dream of your wife's best friend. Pulling mental energy away from her and shifting the focus to yourself, will point you toward the answer. If the answer still eludes you, individual counseling may help.
Wayne & Tamara
I am in a relationship that is still fairly new. He and I have things in common, but our feelings toward this relationship are not mutual. He treats me exactly like I want to be treated, but I don't have a strong desire for him.
Not that he's unattractive or anything like that, it's just I feel that it's a bit rushed. I am tired of casual dating and I want something solid, but not overnight. He also does and says everything he thinks I want to hear and not what he really feels.
My sister thinks I am selfish and unappreciative, but that's not really the case. She tells me to keep him, he's a good man. I already know that, but I don't feel he's the good man for me.
Nora, without your sister's influence, we doubt you would have written. You have examined your own feelings and come to a reasoned conclusion. It is not enough that he is a good man.
Maybe you are wiser than your years and wiser than your sister. It is not selfish to end a relationship which is wrong for you. To act from what you know is right takes character.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Walking The Walk
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 14, 2003
Breaking Through Uncertainty - Welcoming Advertisty
We all question our ability at times. Uncertainty plagues us. It is even more intense if the ability we are questioning relates to something we have never tried or not succeeded at in the past.
Caring in My Sisters Way: A Lesson On Judgement
Last summer, I had an acute case of bronchitis. I was downright bummed. Summer for me meant sun, sand, sea?a gazillion trips to the mall or to my friends' houses, or to another province. I was supposed to exhaust every excess fat on my calves, thighs and belly to hours and hours of fun. Instead I was stuck in the house, stuck with bronchitis.
Whats Your Reason For Waiting?
The fever had been high late into the night, but at 2:30 A.M., it broke. The little girl's mother breathed out in relief. She'll be O.K. in the morning, she thought.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 15, 2003
Earlier this year, following an intention to live more consciously, I deemed it the Year of Awakening. For me, I envision a lifetime of conscious living as I more fully awaken to the spiritual being that I truly am. As a part of my spiritual journey, I love to look up the meanings of things to gain an even deeper understanding. This is what Webster's Dictionary had to say about the word conscious: in the "moment", in waking awareness, mentally perceptive, alert, subjectively knowing, intentional, deliberate, inwardly attentive, mindful, possessing knowledge, cognizant, knowing one's self, realizing and recognizing.
Ignorance and Fantasy
Are beliefs not often the children of ignorance and fantasy? Consider the heavenly view of the world that young souls entertain at the height of their innocence, when their youth has been surrounded by love and filled with happiness. Hear their laughter. Dreams expand in a vacuity of knowledge like a laughing gas and induce the blindest, the purest joy. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, because it spares us the mental restraints associated with knowledge (which reveals the limits of reality and hence the impossibility of our fantasies). It is the ultimate playground where the mind can build castles in the air, create a wonderland, and live delightedly in this kingdom of reverie. It paves the way for the reign of error, as it leaves us to believe whatever we like. Everything that is desirable is realizable, if not real, until we find evidence to the contrary. Santa Claus eventually dies of our old age ? when we are no longer so young, so green, that we are easily fooled by a tall story.
The 5 Fortunes Within
What could be nearer to us than our own selves. What could be a greater fortune to discover than our own love. When you can accept yourself just as you are, with all your warts and wrinkles, with all those extra tucks of fat, with all those scars and blemishes, with all your broken promises and misadventures, then, and only then, can you begin to appreciate your own power, beauty, integrity, intelligence, and competence.
Directions For Life
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. Memorize your favorite poem. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. When you say, "I love you", mean it. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye. Believe in love at first sight. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. In arguments, fight fair. Talk slow but think quick. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. Call your mom. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. Don't let a little disagreement ruin a great friendship. When you realize you've made a mistake, act immediately to fix it. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you grow old together, your ability to communicate will be more important than their physical attributes. Spend some time alone. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Read more books and watch less TV. Try your best to create a loving atmosphere in your home - this is a vital factor that will contribute significantly to your children's happiness and your family's harmony. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. Read between the lines. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. Be gentle with the earth...and yourself. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it. Don't trust someone who doesn't close their eyes when you kiss them. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Do not forget that your character is your destiny.
Making the Most of Your Peak and Off-peak Times
What is the most essential part of your business? You are!
A Cat In The Hand Is Worth Two Birds In The Bush!
I bought this computer just over two years ago with my first venture into the world of credit cards. I'm a mature woman and have seen and done a lot in this world, but nothing could have prepared me for this. When I finished high school computers were not standard curriculum and, as was the way back then, I did the family thing with little to do in the way of secondary education. So, with my children married and raising families of their own, some maniacal little voice in my head told me I could get a credit card, buy a computer, learn how to use it, make a whole new life for myself and all would be rosey. NOT!!!
Meatballs: Friend, or Foe?
We all have those moments, don't we? We're right in the middle of a project, and it's simply not going well.
We have all grown up in an age where exploration into dramatic new territory has become routine. We have had people travel into space to live for short periods of time. We have sent people to explore the moon. We have built machines to take people under the ocean to live and work. And we have even built machines, as extensions of ourselves, to go to places where we could not go physically and send back pictures and other data.
Nuthin but Blue Skies
"Welcome to Canada," Ken shouted to me over the roar of the rain and thunder. A constant downpour kept the photography workshop indoors. We slipped out during a break in the clouds, but as soon as we set up our tripods, a thunderstorm swept in out of nowhere and sent us scurrying back down the mountain trail to our cars. Since I signed on for this tour of the Canadian Rockies, everything had gone right.
Van Morrison, Spiritual Rock Star
Here I am gazing on the Web for extraordinary witnesses of enlightenment yet very popular in the entertainment realm, so that at least everybody that read newagenotebook.com could say "hey, I've seen or heard that person!" As my research focuses randomly on any performer from our time, some pages choose to cite the art of singer Van Morrison.
When Failure is a Gift
I wanted, for many many years, to be a mystery writer. Finally I wrote a mystery novel. I got a best-selling novelist to be my mentor and help me with the rewrite. I got an agent. They sent the book out. And sent it out. And sent it out. And it went nowhere.
How to Overcome Loneliness
Nowadays the majority of people live in very large cities. It is hard to imagine that in cities of millions of people that anyone could feel lonely. However, it is because of the huge size of the cities that we do feel this way. Twenty years ago, you probably knew everyone who lived in your street, at least by sight. Now you are lucky if you know your next-door neighbors.
Dolphin Figurines evoke images of wild dolphins: How Do Dolphins Communicate?
Researchers are seeking to identify how dolphins communicate. Unfortunately it is like ancient history, once we can decipher the basic 'words' we think we have the message. However, ancient civilizations left us artifacts, buildings, religious and other rituals of life to enable us to deduce more meaning from what was written.
What Life is All About?
When we look at lives in any places in this world, we may come to the similar red line. Those lives consist of phases that take living creature from a step to a further one. Be it human or plants or animals, their lives are all the same. It's a growth from youth to old then die.
Patience - The Antidote for Stress
Why is it so difficult to hold steadfast to a commitment to the very thing we desire? I'm sure you've had the experience of challenging your client with something to do, or to be, in service of moving them closer to their heart's desire. As you reconvene again and again, you note that the client can't seem to stay committed to the steps that will realize their dreams. Certainly the age-old response is fear--but perhaps there is more going on.
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