Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 26, 2004
We've been married 20 years. In order to spice up our sex life we would occasionally share fantasies, and one that seemed to turn us both on involved my wife with me and another man. This remained a fantasy until recently when we had drinks with a photographer who specializes in "boudoir photography."
Probably as a result of too much wine I asked if he would take photos of my wife, and he agreed. On the day of the photo session my wife asked me what she should do as she was nervous. I conveyed to her she was to lose her inhibitions and enjoy the experience. The shoot took place at midday, and I could not be there.
Afterwards she told me the photo session had been a success. She and the photographer shared a bottle of wine, and in the course of the session she'd learned much about posing properly. She went on to say she and the photographer participated in a whole gamut of sex acts she really enjoyed since he had unlimited stamina.
She said she hoped I felt good since she had gone along with it for me. She says she loves me more than ever and will not ever do this again. Her subsequent actions support this. Although I helped to arrange it, I am unable to stop thinking of the whole episode. I want to get over it and move on, but I'm losing sleep big time.
John, in one of Mozart's operas, an older man bets two younger ones their sweethearts are fickle. As part of the bet, the two younger men are to pretend to be called away, then return in disguise and try to seduce the women. The older man is confident the women will not be faithful; the young men are equally confident they will be.
While the plot is hokey, it flirts with a great truth. Our deepest desire is for someone who wants only us. What you really want is for your wife to say and mean, "You are the only one I could ever make love to." That is the sexier thing and the deeper desire.
You didn't understand your sexual fantasy would override your deeper desire. In your head you controlled the outcome. In actuality, you controlled nothing. You didn't fantasize your feelings would turn out like this. But in the letters we receive, one or both parties is always revolted by the outcome.
Your wife was not true to your fantasy. You weren't there, and that is why you feel she is mollifying you. But even if you had been there, your feelings would likely be the same. We never, ever, recommend intimate relationships with more than one person. In the letters we receive, the outcome is always what you describe.
Wayne & Tamara
Last month my boyfriend of eight years and I hosted a New Year's Eve party. After I was completely and utterly drunk, my boyfriend and best friend took me into the bedroom with plans to have a threesome. We discussed this before but not thoroughly.
My somewhat sober boyfriend had sex with her. Apparently (I don't remember much) I approved. Now I am heartbroken. Everything that was so special between us is gone. I look at him with disgust because of the things they did. I am so ashamed this happened. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.
Audra, we get more letters about sexual jealousy than about any other topic. This is the most intimate act you can do with another person. Most people cannot tolerate even the suggestion there is someone else in their partner's life.
The third, fourth, fifth, or sixteenth person in an intimate relationship dilutes and devalues the relationship. When the relationship is no longer mutually exclusive, the boundaries are lost, and usually, so is the relationship.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Taking Life Head On
"We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve." - Maxwell Maltz in Psycho-Cybernetics (1960)
Leading a World Class Life
Every four years the world is given the gift of the Olympics. For a few weeks nations lay down their arms and come together to let their world class athletes compete on a level playing field to see who the best is in the many events. Such amazing athleticism was on display the past few weeks. It boggles the mind what these young men and women can accomplish with their bodies. Great feats of skill and determination bring them to the pinnacle of athletic achievement. Incredible.
Journals You Can Keep
Besides your daily feelings, thoughts, and experiences journal, there are many ideas for journals or diaries that you can keep, some are suggested below. Buy a blank book or a notebook with a particular journal topic in mind and keep this book for only that topic. You may decide to keep several kinds of journals at the same time, so remember that you do not have to journal every day.
The difficulty in finding love that is good for you stems from the same difficulty you have loving yourself. For those who believe in God or a higher power, to not love yourself is to not love the very source of your existence. To not trust yourself is to not trust the source of all life. To not forgive and have compassion for yourself is to not have forgiveness and compassion for others created from the same source. What is this source? Call it what you will, all matter comes from energy and all energy comes from Source. Leave the scientists and religious thought leaders left to their devices to try and explain that. You focus on your relationship, to self and to source.
Count Your Blessings
Each day brings a new beginning.It's a new leaf in the story of your life. It can be bright, cheerful and positive, with the courage toface another day, whatever it may bring with enthusiasm.
Are You Tired of Being Stuck?
All you want is a little more.
Energy Work Basics Part 3: The Power of High Intention
At SPIRIT Connections, we believe that the most powerful tool we have when working with energy is our ability to set a high intention. We add the word "high" to intention since we are interested in intentions with a high vibration.
Tending the Fire
In old buildings there was a boiler room where men stood shoveling coal or wood into a furnace to keep the whole building warm. If they didn't tend to the fire, the place went cold. The same is true in our lives. We need to tend the inner fire so our lives do not go cold.
Innovation Management ? Being Receptive to Inspiration
Creativity can be defined as problem identification and idea generation whilst innovation can be defined as idea selection, development and commercialisation.
Most of us, at one point or another, take a moment to evaluate our lives and the paths that we have chosen to take. We each do it at different times and with different emphasis. Sometimes people do it around high school or college graduation time, when deciding what career to pursue, how we want to be regarded by society, friends, and family or how to transition ourselves from a student to a grown up.
Everyone Has Been Hurt...Part 1
I want to share some things with you that I usually don't share with many people. To be honest not many people do know the whole story and that is because I don't really trust many people with this. Anyways here goes..
Those Who Sleep Get Sliced
Chang lived in Flushing, Queens. Every afternoon he rode the train into Manhattan to work in the post office. At the end of his shift he would ride the train back, at well after midnight.
I Am Unique
We have given a lot of thought, paid an indecent amount of money and taken much action over the years to change the way we are. To become 'better' human beings. To make the most of this life we have. To get rid of the behaviours that are counterproductive. The behaviours that cause harm to us and others.
Pattern of Ripples
The Emmaus Journal
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 8, 2002
Night of the Living Dead
For many people, life has become as dull and despairing as death. We suffer from spiritual inertia. We have allowed ourselves to be paralyzed by shallow beliefs and shackled by the strong chains of discouragement. We have permitted the sacred and holy to be eclipsed by the secular and profane. Hearts that were once gay have suddenly become heavy. Men who were once optimistic have become pessimistic. Many who were once willing to greet tomorrow with a cheer, now regard the future with nervous anxiety.
Breaking Through Uncertainty - Welcoming Advertisty
We all question our ability at times. Uncertainty plagues us. It is even more intense if the ability we are questioning relates to something we have never tried or not succeeded at in the past.
How To Have An Effortless Life
Isn't that an appealing title? How to Have an Effortless Life! Well guess what? The only time your life will be effortless is when you're buried six feet under.
Inside Secrets On How To Stay Afloat During Tough Times
Do you find yourself asking questions when tough times come like, 'Why has this come my way?' or 'What did I do to deserve it?' It has sometimes crossed my mind, 'Why me?' when I'm faced with what seemed like an insurmountable problem.
Take Action and Make a Better World
Albert Einstein is quoted as having said, "the world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it".
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