Get Rich Writing Fiction

Some of us write simply because we can't not write. Ideas grabus, move us, and demand to be written. We strive to make it asreal as we possibly can, to improve at our craft every day,hopefully to make it into the realm of literature as well asentertainment. We want to craft an entire world where the placesand people are so real that the reader doesn't feel like he'sreading a book as much as he is going to another place. In thelofty world of literature that we strive for, the reader willstill think about the book after reading that last page. It'sour gift to the reader, something to take with him. Givensufficient skill, this can even happen long after we are dead.

Then we learn that doesn't sell. Oh, there are exceptions. Somenovelists make a living by consistently writing qualityliterature. But, there are quite a few best sellers who have nosuch goals. They write for money, and they make it.

Even the writer who has written great literature has troublemarketing it that way. We have to look at our "target audience."Who will buy this book? Let me see, our heroine survived spousalabuse, so there's an audience. There's a suicide, so we can getthe bereavement crowd. Where's the setting? We can get a localaudience. The hero's a cop. Maybe the teen boys will go for that.Nah, too light on action. But there's a romance. Maybe we'llmarket to the romance readers. Give the hero bedroom eyes andpass him off as a romantic hero. Yeah, that might work.

But if you want to write to get rich, even that's not enough.Nah, the time to think about your reader is before you writethe book, not after.

Throw in lots of gratuitous sex, preferably extramarital. One(and only one) character who flirts and is sorely tempted andwalks away from "love" to remain true to his wife.

Use taboo words for shock value. Ram, hump, scream, oral sex,voluptuous, female orgasm (the great revelation). Make sure alot of your leads enjoy sex. Horny women are a good way to pullin the readers you want. We all know men are horny, but most ofyour readers haven't discovered that some women enjoy sex too.Tell them this. Give the female readers a balm for theirconsciences and the male readers someone to dream about.

Your heroine should be tough, sweet, sensitive, and very horny,and has to think she's not attractive even though every guy inthe book except her husband falls off his chair with a tent inhis pants.

Don't let the length of a novel faze you. Just throw some peopleon the stage, move them around a bit, and get them into bed.Then, change the rules so they have to move around a bit againand get them back into bed. (It doesn't always have to be a bed.Office desks and car seats work too.) When the book's long enough,stop. Don't worry about the "climax," because people areclimaxing all over the place.

Exotic locales. Foreign countries with beaches. Lots of richpeople. Remember that you're writing for the lowest commondenominator, because they spend most of the money that you'retrying to reel in. Make it sleazy. No one ever went brokeunderestimating the public.

How to publish? To do it right, write the sales pitch before youwrite the book. Make sure the book follows the pitch and theformula. If your cover letter alone has eight typos, no problem.Nobody cares. The publisher will wanna rush this baby to printand get you, or an attractive stand-in, doing as many TVappearances as possible before the book reviewers have time todraw breath. Heck, your target market doesn't read book reviewsanyway! Also keep in mind that once that reader buys your book,you've won. They won't get a refund just because you'reilliterate. So don't worry about hiring an editor. Hire apublicist!

Think Hollywood. You want your book to become a movie. Itdoesn't have to be a good movie, because most of them aren't. Itjust has to sell, baby, sell! Write parts for all the hotteststars. True, today's hottest stars will have faded by the timethey start filming your movie, but no matter. Someone just likethem will replace them.

I've been doing it wrong for all these years. I started writingover 20 years ago, and the five books I have on the shelves areenough to make it a hobby that barely pays for itself. Meanwhile,I work at a job for my money. But if you follow my advice, youwon't make the same mistakes I have. You'll get rich!

Copyright 2005, Michael LaRocca

Michael LaRocca's website at waschosen by WRITER'S DIGEST as one of The 101 Best WebsitesFor Writers in 2001 and 2002. His response was to throw itout and start over again because he's insane. He teachesEnglish at a university in Hangzhou, Zhejiang Province,China, and publishes the free weekly newsletter WHO MOVEDMY RICE?

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