Spare the Child, Ditch the Rod

Spare the rod, spoil the child!

This philosophy's been around a long time.

In fact, a study done by Zero to Three, anonprofit child-development group, found that 61percent of the adults who responded, condonespanking as a regular form of punishment. Thepercentage of parents who actually use spanking isbelieved to be much higher.

And when my five year old son's behavior wentbeyond annoying a few days ago, I felt inclined tojoin the majority, and swat him to "teach him alesson."

Most parents reach this point with their kids. Youfeel as though you can't take any more of what yourkids are dishing out. It usually happens whenyou're tired, stressed, and overdone.

So what are your choices when you reach this point?

Spanking certainly can take care of things quickly,and can temporarily change your kids behavior. Butthere are many reasons to question the practice ofspanking your kids. Here are five of them:

1. Do you really want your kids to be afraid of you?

Kids will sometimes obey more readily when they'reafraid of you. Is this what you really want? Whathappens when they're six feet two and two hundredpounds? Effective parenting is based on love andrespect, not fear.

2. Spanking shows your kids that you lack self-control

The huge majority of spanking incidents come whena parent is angry. What is quite clear to yourchild is this: when my Dad or Mom gets angry, theyhit me. And when the same child hits his sisterwhen he gets angry, do you demand that he showsbetter self-control?

Something's wrong with this picture. You teach your kids best through your own actions.

3. You may breed resentment and anger in your kids

Kids who are spanked usually don't learn a greatdeal about "correcting" their misbehavior. Theydon't usually sit in their rooms and say,"Gosh, I can really see after getting spanked thatI was wrong. I'll do better now." They do thinkabout how angry their Dad or Mom is, and they candevelop a good deal of resentment for theirparents.

4. Spanking shows your kids that "might makes right"

Adults make mistakes in their lives too, right?Can we use our imaginations, and visualize what it wouldbe like for someone four times our size to pick usup, and swat us on the butt? What would we learnfrom that? Would we feel any injustice? You canbet your kids are feeling some.

5. Spanking isn't effective in the long run

Parents who are asked why they spank will reportthat they use it to "teach their kids a lesson,"or so they won't misbehave again. Many kids whoare spanked will go underground with theirmisbehavior, and become more cunning to avoid beingcaught. (Wouldn't you?) If you're spanking yourkids fairly often, doesn't this show that it's notworking very well?

Kids who are spanked occasionally aren't ruined for life. But spanking isn't necessary to discipline a child. There are countless examples of disciplined and responsible young people who were never spanked by their parents.

Parents who don't spank their kids use time outs,re-directing, or distracting with their kids. They can pick their kids up and let them cool down, orsimply leave the area themselves, so they don'tdo something they'd regret later.

While these methods aren't always perfect, theyhelp to form the foundation of a certain kind ofhousehold: One in which violence is not "taught"as a means to better behavior.

After all, we live in a world that's filled withviolence.

Can't we provide a place for our kids where thereisn't any?

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of "25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers" http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htmFor more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix Your Kids," at http://www.markbrandenburg.com